Weekend Update and: I Figured Out How to Upload Videos!

I want to cry that it’s the last day of July.  With four more weeks to go in the depressing march towards Labor Day, today I vowed to take time to appreciate each succulent summer day in August. 

Yesterday we celebrated the joint 30th birthday of our dear friends Dan and Katie, who are possibly two of the most awesome people ever.  The chosen venue for this momentous event: Nats Park on Jayson Werth bobblehead night! YEA!

First, Jeff and I had a horrendous, soul-crushing, hour+ voyage on the bus and metro.  Apparently there was some huge soccer game going on here last night, so we were crammed on a car with nine jillion Olé-ing idiots with no concept of metro decorum.  Like: if a door attempting to close is repeatedly closing ON your limbs/bag/anywhere else on your person, that is an indication your mass exceeds the available volume on the car.  Give up the dream and wait 90 seconds for the next one.  You’ll make it to your precious “match.”  Or: if you’re part of a large herd of people slowly moving together, don’t STOP, bend over, and adjust the velcro on your foot-boot-cast thing.  I am sorry for your orthopedic troubles, but PLEASE, sufferin’ succotash, just excuse yourself out of the flow of people to tend to your metatarsals.  Idiots!

We self entertained…

Spoiler alert… one escalator was functional!

We started off the night in Das Bullpen (the German themed neighbor of The Bullpen… Hee, the name cracks me up).  Uhh, this next sight was DEFINITELY a highlight of the night… omigod, dude! Leave your baby at home OR make the baseball game a little more family friendly by skipping pre-gaming and corn hole!

Game time!

Afterwards we went back to the Bullpen… My husband is a riot…

SUCH a fun night.  Happy birthday Dan and Katie!

And because it’s been 72 hours since I showered the internet with Chooch pictures, here you go   And even if you are sick of him, you cannot deny these are REALLY CUTE:

OK… off to clean, grill, and watch the Bachelorette Men Tell All special tonight!! I mean… uhh… something cultured…

Pantaloon Friday

What’s an easy and awesome way to transition your outfit from board room to renaissance faire? Tucking your suit slacks into your man-boots! YEA!

This is a Post About Chooch Getting His Nails Clipped, You’ve Been Warned

I had resigned myself to being one those puppy parents  but now it appears we have crossed the threshold into THO-HO-HOOOOOSE puppy parents.  Just so you know, in addition to having his nails trimmed, he also did the following things this week: pooped, licked his puppy privates, chewed his own foot, and ate a beetle.  OMG HE IS SO SPECIAL.

Chooch’s nails had achieved falcon-talon status, and since he is petrified of the luxury motorized nail file we got him, it was off to Petsmart for us.  Aside: a solo trip to Petsmart with Chooch is, like, an emotionally draining event.  I get the impression this is the smallest, teensiest, 4% glimpse at what traveling or shopping with a small child must be like.  THIS FRIGHTENS ME.  I mean he is pulling, coughing, beagle barking, leaping onto kids, and if you take your eye off him for ONE second that leg gets lifted and you’re doing the walk of shame to the oops station. Did you know it’s difficult to hit all those stupid buttons on the checkout card-swipe device thing when Chooch is leering at every item like the world is his tree trunk?

As for the trimming, umm he was terrified and was giving me the most pathetic look ever.  And of course I was on the other side of the counter cheering him on and documenting baby’s first trip to the groomers!

 

On quite a separate note, anyone out there in the market for a commemorative Washington Redskins fleece throw? Jeff brought this atrocity home from work… a freebie he just had to accept Pookiewookiebear, I love you, and someday, God willing, you can have a basement mancave and cuddle in an NFL blanket till your tender sweet sportsfan heart is content.  That day is not today.

<3

Debt Ceiling Special Edition: Government E-Cards!

Today I discovered possibly the greatest thing ever.  Get ready for this.  SIT DOWN.  Initiate paper bag respiration if needed.  THE CENTERS FOR DISEASE CONTROL MAKES E-CARDS. 

I know, that doesn’t really require further explanation does it? Let’s take a look at the offerings anyway.  This is an outstanding perk you are entitled to as a federal taxpayer that you probably didn’t know about! I mean, how can you be upset about government spending when these are the kinds of quality resources our government so graciously makes available to us?!

Behold…

Wait, what? You mean that little cuddly guy on the right I should avoid? I’m really glad you said something because otherwise I would have chosen “go out of my way to pursue” for him.  K.  Got it now.

Another helpful reminder! When signs at bars, disclaimers on labels, and K-12 health classes fall short, our last line of defense is… e-cards!
EWW!  I don’t know what this is about but please spare Americans from graphic illustrations of dirty fingernails! Nast!

I am trying to think of something worse that could arrive in your inbox than this e-card but not coming up with anything… 

Truth: there’s nothing funny about a natural disaster.  So WTF is the story with this e-card? What is the target audience here? It’s not even like thinking of you as you are cleaning up after a disaster.  Or I’m sorry to hear you are cleaning up after a disaster.  Just… yep, we’re cleaning up. 

Not sure why the CDC is making Congrats On Your New Fish cards but SOMEONE has to manufacture these, right?! Because fish are under-represented in the private pet card market and THAT’S! NOT! FAIR! And why is that fish, like, boring into my soul with those eyes!?

Zoro Salmonella was the card I eventually elected to send to my special someone.  Little did I know it came with free BONUS HILARITY in the form of CDC E-card terms and conditions! Sorry the screen shot is crap…

My favorite note was that “CDC/HHS does not authorize the use of copyrighted materials contained in a personal message.”  Do you think these are policed? Wait, why am I asking this question, I guarantee they have a Director of E-Card Quality Control and Legal Compliance in their Public Health Informatics and Technology Programs Office.  They are probably a GS12 too.  Anyway, that copyright ban was really disappointing because it destroyed all my ideas for a personal message.  Like:

• Salmonella: It’s what’s for dinner ©
• Salmonella: It’s everywhere you want to be  ©
• Maybe she was born with it, maybe it’s salmonella  ©
• Salmonella: I’m lovin’ it!  ©

I don’t even have to ask, I know you are all richer in character for having learned more about this E-card program.  Also, I must note- I have no intention of discussing politics (at least not seriously) here, ever.  I wouldn’t have even brought it up if the stinkin’ President hadn’t interrupted the PENULTIMATE Bachelorette episode of the season with his incessant prattle.  Un! Cool! So, I had to take the cheap shots tonight

Wooooo Wee!

We had a hot weekend here on our little plot of the Eastern seaboard! (You probably hadn’t heard).  Poor Chooch had a heckuva time Friday morning, he had a 3 minute romp with Bernie the obese labrador and was DONE for.  Here is some imagery from his walk Friday afternoon… note this was about 3 feet inside the front door:

Ugh.  And I could kick myself, swiftly, over this. I had been meaning to add these herbs to the deck box all week and my lazy self never succeeded in accomplishing the chore.  And the little sprouts didn’t make it through Friday But when the heck is there time during the week to bust out your gardening tools, glove up, and plant crap?! Ugh. I’m sorry I let you down, sweet innocent parsley and cilantro! Google tells me that plants CAN feel pain so I feel kind of guilty over this!

Saturday was rough but a merciful break from Friday.  My tour group at the zoo cancelled over the heat so I was interpreting instead (just standing outside one exhibit explaining).  3 hours with the Przewalksi’s horses and I was a sweaty and parched mess, and I myself smelled like an equine.  This is what the car registered at when I climbed back in!

We’re down to ninety something today so balance is restored to the world.  I didn’t mind it all that much in the first place, it’s going to take more than that to make me dislike summer! Brang it, Mama Nature!

This weekend was also a sad one in world events, and I won’t attempt to discuss it because I can’t do justice to serious issues.  I can only say the Norway stuff is so heartbreaking Amy Winehouse I have to work a little harder finding sympathy over, but sad too. 

Alright… off to find some productivity, hopefully… have a happy week, everyone!

Timely

(In the car after having heard the radio headlines)

Me: Summer is halfway over! Can we please just go on an actual date sometime and have a nice night in Georgetown? I mean, within a budget.  Because we need to make a budget, remember.

Jeff: [groan]

Me: No really, the time has come.

Jeff: You’re the one that never wanted a budget in the first place.

Me: Nu uh… I mean I didn’t but it’s not like you seriously disagreed and wanted one…

Jeff: Our debt talks are collapsing.

Space Carrots and Other Things

Hi, I love the library.  It’s an extremely under-utilized institution so consider this your PSA to rediscover it Just stay away from the internet stations and it’s really not as seedy as you’re fearing.  Today I got the long-awaited email that I had made it to the top of the wait list for Tina Fey’s Bossypants! Woo hoo! I went online to check my account and this was on the homepage…

So that graphic is a promo for the library’s “freeze hold” feature, where you can sort of suspend your account while you are on vacation, so if you make it to the top of a hold list but can’t come pick it up, you don’t miss your chance.  This picture cracks me up.  I can only imagine what went through their minds as this idea was birthed: Ooh, we need to mention this on the h0mepage.  But what will we do as far as an attention grabbing photo?  Oh I know, go stick those books in the freezer in the employee lounge! Yea yea that’s it! Ha! Yea now put those discolored ice cube trays from 1989 next to them.  LOL! The books are in the freezer, GET IT!? Just get a picture with the office Kodak EasyShare and we’re good here!

But then I thought waaaait a sec here…… why did the library have to stage this from scratch? There wasn’t a stock photo available for books in a freezer? STOP.  There’s a stock photo for EVERYTHING.  For whatever reason I was compelled to look into this, went to istock.com and searched books+freezer…

Ooootay then!  Library volunteers 1, stock photo tycoons 0! The heck is this? It’s like Starry Night meets Goodnight Moon meets the Batman Penguin meets the Brawny Man.  Freaking CREEPY! And I’ve never met a penguin I didn’t like!

Now this was kind of entertaining so I started to think what other weird and random things I could type in.  Sort of like google-whacking, remember that?

The other thing I discovered is that these captions are even better than the pictures.  This was lobster+school: 

(The sea life book did not cover subject-verb agreement.)

This was bunny+space ship:

Excuse me, was this person HIGH? I think he is trying to catch those space carrots? That he felt the need to explore the bunny’s existential relationship with the ”SPACE CARROTS”?  Geez I don’t know, come on, he could have been doing any number of things with those space carrots.  Maybe he is doing the opposite and RELEASING that space carrot? Or doing the sprinkler, or tossing the carrot like a javelin, or just enjoying a nice bunny space walk amidst a couple of planets! Leave him alone with your ridiculous assumptions!!!

Squirrel+Christmas:

No further comment.

Now here was a quality series.  Lots of hits on this, apparently this is a more popular combination that I would have thought!  Airplane+Fruit:

Well alrighty then! Fruit and airplane, as requested! And a perfect cokpit breakfast, I might add.  Little fruit… little eggs…. and what first officer can take the skies without 4 buttermilk biscuits?! We also have…

Doesn’t look like she’s enjoying the flight to me.  Gosh it’s hard being a young businesswoman.  I mean, the road just ain’t no place to start a family.  But I have to say this basket of fruit and champaign really takes the edge off.  And The Small Private Airplane definitely beats United.  Could someone cut that pineapple for me?

Well, hello! She switched sides so I guess she is on the way back now, and things are looking up! I think that keyhole tank top did its job and she must’ve met her sales quota! Pop that champaign, baby!

And look, a gentleman friend is joining us to celebrate! Who may or may not be Ben/Constantine/Benstantine from The Bachlelorette! Umm, does that laptop look HUGE to you?

OMG and it just, like, tripled in size! ALONG WITH THE PINEAPPLE! WTF is going on here?!?!

This was rodent+cheerleader:

I appreciate the succinctness here.  Racoon Fan don’t need no stinkin’ words.  Like Chuck Norris! For every star, there is a victim of Racoon Fan.  Racoon Fan can skip a stone under water.  When Racoon Fan was born, he decided his own birthday.

This Is Why You’re Single

So, Jeff and I are urbane folk and as such are subscribed to the weekend edition of the Washington Post.  No, actually, we do it for the coupons, but the former has a better ring to it, doesn’t it? Included in this is the newspaper’s magazine, which has this great weekly feature entitled “Date Lab,” where it seems people declare their interest to the newspaper, they make a match, pay for the two to have a date, interview them afterwards, and then print the fallout for all of us to enjoy and in this case, ridicule!

The comical thing is that the people NEVER hit it off, it’s really very sad! Usually the interviews are at least amicable, but this one from a few weeks ago was HILARIOUSLY mean-spirited.  Let’s meet Lisa the accountant and Michael the entrepreneur slash nutritionist, who are meeting at a “treetop adventure course”…

I don’t know about you, but I didn’t even make it past the headline without nearly gagging up my breakfast.  After swinging in the trees, will they fall into each other’s arms? WHAT?! I can only PRAY that the author was being deliberately over-the-top for humorous purposes.  If that was an actual serious attempt at headline writing…. wow.  We got issues.  But, back on topic, as far as we can tell we are working with two seemingly normal, happy-looking people, right? Now the paper will ask them some profile-type questions so we can get to know our protagonists better….

Q: Dream date?

WOW.  Lisa.  OK! Let’s go with this! Romantic AND gorgeous AND intelligent AND funny? How many men have you met, exactly? Does anyone out there know a man who is BOTH romantic AND funny? I think your choices are either serious and romantic or funny and clueless, girlfriend.  ”Gorgeous” is a tall order as well, don’t you think? Not cute or handsome or attractive-in-a-John-Cusack-kind-of-way?  I mean Lisa is obviously a pretty little thing but I don’t know that I would say GORGEOUS on my first pass…. let’s box our weight there, champ! This is not even my main gripe with this gem of an excerpt.  On top of being the above four conditions, Lisa also expects you to go to bed and wake up at her prescribed times, and be INDEPENDENTLY WEALTHY so her accountant arse can RETIRE EARLY.  So much for what’s inside!

OK, fair enough here, but take note of her spiked hair and shaved legs remark.  FORESHADOWING…

Oh my gosh… SHE’S SO MEAN! Sorry, if I met someone from Pennsylvania in DC I will 100% of the time identify myself as a co-Pennsylvanian and find out where exactly they’re from.  I thought that was, like, social interaction 101.  And this poor guy is getting happy hours and tango lessons held against him!? Her relationship prerequisite is ability to finance an “extreme” Kilimanjaro expedition and HAPPY HOUR is too much activity for her!?

OK Mr. Board of Directors, you’re not doing much for me either…

Alright, now I guess I would be annoyed too if someone assumed I didn’t know what PITA was, but based on her snootie-patootie-ness I am not convinced the scene went down exactly as she is describing.  Sadly all good things must come to an end…

Yea, Mike, I’ve about had my fill of you, big fella.  Also, you should know that the Snuggle fabric softener bear has 213,000 facebook friends.   BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE…

OUCH! Hair gel as a deal breaker!? A deal breaker for being FACEBOOK FRIENDS? Sweet Lord.  And she’s not willing to overlook shaved legs on a TRIATHLETE? 

Sigh.  Lisa.  This random internet stranger thinks you are probably a very sweet woman and hopes you will come to your senses soon! And for planning purposes, remember 32 is, like, 41 in accountant years! Good luck out there, dudette!

On Peacocks

I’ll spare you from the long story that precipitated this, but today I went to look up Kori Bustard (a large bird species we have at the zoo) on Wikipedia. 

The first question this brought to mind was: WHAT did we do before Wikipedia?  Seriously?  How did anyone learn anything, at all, ever? In my early academic years I remember the library and card catalogs (!) and actually walking over to the shelf and picking up the appropriately lettered tome.  Who invested in sets of encyclopedias!? How were they not outdated the second they were printed!? After that, technology exploded and we were flying high with Encarta CD Roms.  That was some cutting edge stuff.  What we didn’t know is that we were about to get our worlds ROCKED by Wiki.

Here’s the thing about Wikipedia.  I always innocently log on for some legitimate or semi-legitimate purpose, and then 45 minutes and 15 articles later, somehow I’m on Kevin Costner and List of Fatal Bear Attacks in North America.  So, I guess things were progressing along the standard pattern, because after I got my Kori Bustard question answered, my mind traveled to a second bird question: PEACOCKS.  What IS the story with them anyway? Where the heck do you go to see a peacock in its natural habitat? How am I an adult that does not know that?

Peacocks live in Southeast Asia, let’s just get that out of the way.  What I bet you did NOT know, as you’ll note from above (though it’s kinda hard to read), is that the peacock population at large is “peafowl”, and individual birdies are a peacock, peahen, or peachick.  PEACHICK! Does that not conjure up the cutest little visual!? I want a pet peachick! I will name it chickpea!

I feel so much better knowing this.  Next time I’m at a farm or petting zoo (which earlier today, was my best guess as to the habitat of peaco…errr, fowl), I will be able to intimidate children with my impressive bird vocabulary.  Peacocks were the most disappointing thing EVER at the petting zoo though, weren’t they!? Against all odds you keep believing TODAY would be the day the elusive feather display will come out.  YOU would have a mental connection with this bird and will it to happen.  Come on, peacock………. Come ON, PEACOCK! UGH! Mom this is BORING!

If you too set out today to learn more about peacocks, you’re welcome Otherwise… uhh… I’m kind of sorry.  Happy Monday!

OBLIGATORY CHOOCH PICTURE FORGIVE ME:

Reading Rainbow: Roundup

Catching up on recent stuff….

 

Our Babies, Ourselves:  NO, before this raises eyebrows, I’m not with child. But, considering it’s something I see in our future, I thought it would be prudent to start learning.  Also I’ve exhausted the relationship self-help book industry so it’s onto parenting for me.  Geez was I glad I read this.  I always thought babies were these cute little wriggly lumps that just sort of hung out and slept and ate, but they apparently are actually capable of cognition from the start and require a very specific balance of care.  This book could alternately be titled Western Parenting: Ur Doing it Wrong, as it kind of detailed how all the U.S. customs actually go against babies’ biological needs.  This sociologist maintains that babies should be fed on demand (not on a schedule), worn and carried constantly (not left to themselves), and placed to sleep in the parents’ bed (not a nursery).  YIKES, I know! I am totally sold on 1 & 2 but the co-sleeping idea is terrifying to me.  Interesting stuff!

The Killer Angels:  It’s shameful that I grew up 50 minutes from Gettysburg and am just now getting around to reading this.  Novel-ized narrative of the Battle of Gettysburg.  The parts I understood were EXTREMELY powerful but unfortunately most of the warfare/troop positioning/strategy stuff was lost on me.  The book also ends with this unbelievable narration of General Armistead getting hit and dying in battle.  It was absolutely chilling and will not be leaving me anytime soon.  Quality material.

 
Poisonwood Bible: Missionary family with a crazy dad takes on 1960′s Congo.  Beautifully written but the pace was really wacky.  This was my second by Babs K and I’ll be going back for more, for sure.

Ape House: By the same broad that did Water for Elephants.  Which was OKAY but I didn’t really get the hype.  The fact that it was made into a Reese Witherspoon movie seemed appropriate.  Anyway, this little gem in question is about a reality TV show with apes.  Need I say more? I didn’t think so.  Somehow this thing manages to be both crude and sickeningly saccharine simultaneously.  It gets 2 woms instead of 1 only because it did have some funny moments.  Did not really enjoy beyond that