Blurbs

Terrible habit #509234 of mine: writing down extremely abbreviated abbreviations and then having no clue what the heck I am supposed to remember.  (Also see: putting important things in super secret awesome hiding places, never to be found again).  I taped this note to my monitor at work the other day…

Plunk? Pluck? PMK? It was 3 days before I figured out what it was again.  I REALLY need to quit doing this.  The other month I made a note that said “C 22,” and again, couldn’t figure it out for a while, then realized it meant I was supposed to tell someone (whose name started with a C) that we had 22 people for a meeting.  I was like “SERIOUSLY, past Sarah?!!?” Ugh!

Pinterest.  There really, really, REALLY needs to be some sort of “block wedding” feature.  The sheer volume of wedding gorgeousness……. it’s… I mean…. there are….. WORDS ESCAPE ME.  Pure torture that I no longer have one to plan.  How short of time is socially acceptable before we can renew our vows?!

Unfortunate Name for a Person in Broadcasting.  We caught this guy on the local news the other day…

Yea, as in “I can molest Tina”.  I thought producers changed stuff like that?!

Here’s Your Sign.  The other day I called a place and asked for a person that worked there.  A front desk person picked up and I said “Hi, is ______ there?” And she said, “Yes, would you like me to transfer you?”…”Uhh… yes?” WTF? No, I’m planning their surprise party, just curious if they were at their desks! Or: no, I since decided I want to talk to you instead! Hello! NOW, I gave this person the benefit of the doubt, because Lord KNOWS I’ve done my share of fumbling while fielding calls, but I called back again and the same exchange happened! As in, they must be trained to offer this response!?

Her name was Lola… So, my office building has a lobby with cavernous ceilings, such that there is some serious echo/amplification acoustics going on.  Like, conversations and sounds travel really well and loudly.  The other day as I was leaving, it was quiet but for a person whistling “Copa Cabana.”  It was loud.  And funny.  That is all.

Hi

So, yea, household update:

• At this moment, we were supposed to be enjoying coronas on the deck of a beachfront house in the beautiful outerbanks of North Carolina…
• We are, in reality, sitting at home in the dark with no power (while I guzzle the remaining 54% of battery on the laptop to bring you this quality post)…
• The power being lost due to two trees falling on a live wire and creating a FIRE in our neighborhood.  OMG.  The power guys are in head-to-toe ponchos and working hard right outside our door (seriously I hope they are getting quadruple overtime right now)… come on Dominion!
• My family procured an alternate house in South Carolina which we will attempt to make a break for tomorrow…
• I survived my first two days of yoga teacher training! And learned four whole poses! Hold on bear with me let me practice my sanskrit… Tadasana, Uttitha Tadasana, Utkatasana, and Uttanasana! BAM!

I may queue some dumb posts up tomorrow (if power is restored), otherwise the blog will be cashing in its vacation leave OK, I’d love to hang out but Jeff doesn’t know what to do with himself without MLB network and is whining to be entertained.  So stay safe everyone and pray we don’t lose our freaking minds on 95!

Great Moments in Bachelor Pad Screen Shot History

I’m starting this series to pay tribute to the most awful, seedy, STD-laden program in all of the Television industry- Bachelor Pad! Yes, the Bachelor/ette are those things at well, but at least they try to keep it classy.  This is just one smelly smut-fest.  And I’m loving every minute!

Important Note: Quotations below are actual things that came out of these people’s mouths. 

This was when Vienna got so full of rage she whipped a hibiscus pillow at this poor guy…

And everyone knows hibiscus pillows are the gateway weapon to more serious items… sing it with me:  Wheh! wheh! wheh! wheh!

[Regarding their synchronized swimming team challenge thing] “I think the one thing I’ve really got to give is timing and technique. Cause I’ve got technique from Dancing with the Stars.”
 

“There’s a couple of things I’m just really blessed with: mental durability, physical strength, and problem solving.  So if it falls into any of those three categories, I think I’ll do well.” –Jacob “Jake” Pavelka.  Also he left out humility.

This is Erica, the chick that was complaining that she couldn’t dive.  Umm, any guesses as to why!? It’s like those punching balloon things with the weighted bottoms that you can’t flip over.

“[My kiss with Jake] was definitely hot. I definitely have good lips that I maintain with getting injections every 6 months.” You don’t say?! You are definitely a great pair… keep it up!

ZOMG EARTHQUAKE!

Oh.  Mah.  God.  Things I did not believe I’d have to worry about when I woke up this morning:

1.  The Washington Monument falling over.
2.  Weathering a 5.9 level earthquake.
3.  Being attacked by a pack of spider monkeys.

OK… 2 OF THOSE THINGS HAPPENED.  And I’m sure everyone is juuuuust a liiiiittle bit tired of hearing about the stinking earthquake, but whatever I’m going to document it for personal perpetuity.

To set the scene.  There I was, at my desk, working, innocently, when….. disaster!  I don’t know if anyone else had the same experience but for us it seemed like things jiggled mildly for a few seconds, then backed off for another few seconds, then the quake rage set in. So, my colleague was standing by my desk as it started, so during that brief lull, thinking whatever it was was over, we sort of looked at either other quizically, then she was like “you know I heard this morning there was an earthquake in ColoradOH MY GOD!!!!!!”

When the building started rocking I pretty much was petrified.  Working many stories up in a huge office building smack dab between the Capitol and the White House, you pretty much resign yourself to the fact that if there’s ever a bomb or a nuke or other terrorist shenanigans, there’s a good chance you’re kapooey.  So, my thinking was pretty much OH SWEET LORD IT’S A BOMB GOODBYE CRUEL WORLD! And when people started shouting “Earthquake! Earthquake!” I was all like Oh right… an earthquake… pfft… we can survive THAT!  Seriously, this is DC, it hadn’t even crossed my mind that this was, you know, an option!

So the people on our end of the hall huddled under a door frame, then from the other end of the hallway we hear “Away from the windows! Away from the windows!”, so mid-quake we scurried to another door frame on the interior side of the office.  Then the fire alarm went off so we got the heck out of there.  So did everyone else on the street.

Fun outside…

Everyone busting their phones out reminded me of this that I saw on Pinterest the other day…

Now, apparently the media was reporting hysteria in the city (including the RIDICULOUS reports of the “leaning” Washington Monument… WTF, seriously) .  Good grief.  I wish I could personally pummel every news network CEO.  Did your scare tactics get you a few extra viewers today? Yea well you also terrified my Grandma, TURDS.

Like, here was that purported metro pandemonium…

Meanwhile… the devastation back at home….

And one more casualty….

 

NO….

 

NO PLEASE!

 

Don’t say it! ANYTHING BUT THAT!

 

wwwWWWaaaaaahhhhhhhh Noooooooo the Scrabble tiles!!!

Oh! Speaking of the tiles.  How could I forget! Voting for the Better Life Bags contest is live through Saturday! Go to their facebook page, “like” the page, then “like” my tiles to vote for them! (Hey… slacker husband… you too!) Yea, I know, nobody likes being f0rced to like random pages, but remember you can revoke your like immediately! Anyone who votes also gets this Awesome Friend Badge proudly posted on their wall:

(You know you want it).  Alright, Jeff pulled an oblique at softball tonight so I’m off to tend to THAT… later gators!

Responsibility Champion Vs. The Sea Cucumber

Ugh.  Mondays be ROUGH! I always have a tough time getting back into the week, which I blame on this delightful quality I possess: 2 speed functionality.  On and Off.  Either I’m on FIRE and totally rocking at life, or I’m an amoebic waste of space.  Dr. Phil says everything moves by momentum, so usually I find that a positive event will start me on the yellow brick road of accomplishment, and a negative/overwhelming event will send me down the trail of uselessness. 

I don’t need to continue this explanation because my SOUL MATE, the author of Hyperbole and a Half, created these awesome images which illustrate it perfectly…

 

Here is a chart I created to demonstrate how this  theory manifests itself in my everyday life:

Life Component	Responsibility Champion Sarah	Sea Cucumber Sarah
House	Stayed up till midnight executing four-phase cleaning of the floors.  Cleaned molding and produce drawers in fridge.  Dishwasher purrs gently in the background. This effer is CATALOG ready!	Garbage disposal smells like 4 day old garlic.  A thin lacquer of beagle hair rests atop the couch.  All purses and bras I own are distributed equitably among the various door knobs in the house.  Plants desperately gasp for hydration.
Diet	Jeff [7:15pm]: What’s for dinner?Me: Why, some omega-rich salmon which I conscientiously marinated for 18 hours, fresh vegetables from Whole Foods, and a side salad! (batting housewife doe-eyes)  May I bring you a drink or an appetizer?	Jeff [11:08pm]: What’s for dinner?Me: Oh… uhh….I can give you this jar of peanut butter and serving spoon when I’m done with it?
Appearance	Fingers/toes perfectly painted.  Hair flat ironed and bangs meticulously coiffed.  Accessories selected with care.	Fugly wet hair in the morning becomes fugly limp hair in the afternoon.  Big toenail sports a pencil eraser-sized blotch of polish.  I overcompensate for my unattractiveness with excessive blush application a la Ronald McDonald.
Exercise	Jog! Jog with extra distance! Yoga! MORE OF THE JOGGING!	Oh CRAP broken escalator… you mean I have to walk up this? As in, with my legs? WHEEZE…
Social Grace	Important dates are recognized with cards that arrive on time.  Wedding gifts sent months in advance.  Nice gestures acknowledged with thank you notes.	Inbox overflows with emails I really should respond to.  Important dates recognized with texts at 11:00pm.
Sleep Habits	Well hello! It seems I’ve found myself awake 10 minutes before my alarm is scheduled to go off! Why, I suppose I will get up now! It shall be wonderful having extra time to get ready!	6:20: Snooze. 6:30: Snooze. 6:40: PHONE WHY ARE YOU MAKING THESE SOUNDS AT ME?!?! 6:50 QUIT IT PHONE! 7:00 FINE YOU WIN I’M GETTING UP.  Just give me a few seconds to lay here and get my bearings.  Dismiss.  7:40 CRAAAAPPPPP…
Skin/Dental Upkeep	Yawn… bed time! Floss, fluoride, patiently brush each tooth nook and cranny.  Remove makeup, moisturize face/lips, comb hair to ease morning detangling.	Fall asleep on couch and wake up at 1:00 am in a zombie-like state.  Drag self up stairs and force self to brush teeth for 10 seconds.  Wake up in backwards/inside-out shirt, eye makeup smeared on face, and hair that was in a messy ponytail at bedtime now resembles a condor nest.
Weekend Leisure Activities	Ahh, it feels great getting a shower after a day of productivity.  Now I’m going to put my hair in a towel turban, wear cute pajamas, and retire to my reading nook with a cup of tea.  Life is swell!	Un-showered self sprawled on (fur-ridden) couch.  THESE 39 DVRed EPISODES OF 16 AND PREGNANT ARE NOT GOING TO WATCH THEMSELVES!

Weekend Photo Dump (Zoo Edition)

Woo hoo… back from a fun weekend with my family in town! Lots of food… Phillies… and today we made the pilgrimage to the Mall and hit the Natural History Museum.  Love those trilobites! And oh man, I FORGOT how friggin’ cool dinosaurs are! Urgh, if only it didn’t remind me how depressing it is that I’m up to my eyeballs in debt for a degree in the most boring subject ever.  Gerr.  On a jollier note.  I also was on duty at the zoo both mornings, and this morning got to escort a behind-the-scenes tour of lions-tigers.  SCHWEET! 

I’ll keep the kitties off the interwebs (boo, I know) but had to share this giggle-worthy signage.

 

A Really Long Post About How I Made Jumbo Scrabble Tiles. Yep.

DUDES.  The most X-TREME project yet.  Brace yourselves for some… JUMBO SCRABBLE TILES! (I know! Extreme! Just stop now if you can’t handle the intensity!)

I undertook this as part of another Pinterest challenge, this time sponsored by the very talented chicks at Better Life Bags.  Seriously I’m loving these challenges! introducing an element of competition makes me so much more productive! Why aren’t there challenges for cleaning the house or scheduling dental appointments or getting my lazy patooty out of bed in the morning and jogging?! I would suck at life a lot less!

So, this Scrabble stuff seems to be all over the place lately, so I am not sure if it’s en vogue or if it’s already passed its peak.  Since I’m just now noticing I’m guessing it’s the latter.  Whatevs.  Here were the original jumbo tiles that piqued my interest…

Adorable! I had been looking around for something to put over the doorway in the kitchen and thus this idea was born.  Instead of individually mounting the letters (which sounded like a pain), I decided to fashion a ledge sort of thing to just rest them on top of.  I also modified the look in general so it’s more “inspired” by the picture above than a replica. 

To start at the beginning.  I mentioned a few posts back that Jeff and I had been at a wedding last week.  The Maid of Honor, in her toast, mentioned something that really stuck with me for whatever reason.  Her advice to the couple, as a married person herself, was to always remember that you had married a person you loved.  Anytime you were angry or frustrated or irritated, she said remember that you loved and chose that person, and that would soften your feelings.  Allegedly.  It sounds so unbelievably simple and obvious, but it really struck me as a sweet reflection! So, I toyed with a bunch of different things to spell with my little tiles, but settled on I-L-O-V-E-U.  Easy as that   Sorry that I have induced nausea here.  Enough of the mushy stuff and on to… CARPENTRY!

Measure. I mocked it up on newspaper to see if the size worked in the space. 

I measured the length (it was 25″), then subtracted a few inches to account for some space between the tiles and the edges of the ledge.  The remaining length I divided by the number of letters, and measured those increments.

Whoops! Started over with fresh newspaper when I realized my little catch phrase has 6 letters, not 5.  This step optional for non-morons

Ahh better.  Actually I’m going to flip this over so that child isn’t starting at me.

There we go.

Looks good! Not sure all of this step was totally necessary, but since I am not the most spatially intelligent person (like that time I thought “I love u” was 5 letters) it helped me visualize everything.

My final measurements ended up looking like this. And the ledge-thingy is less tricky, just a sliver cut out of the board.

Procure/Cut Lumber.  I went to Home Depot and got a plank of something called Red Oak… which looked pretty close to Scrabble color.  (Google tells me Milton Bradley uses Vermont Oak… fun fact). 

I traced the measurements onto the board and it was time to cut!  Oh, I will mention this for the good of the order- Home Depot does NOT make cuts less than 12″.  Neither do a bunch of other places I called.  So I, in my moronic glory, tried to do this on our back deck with a handsaw.  Not advised.  I just kept thinking “If what’s-his-face from 127 Hours can cut his humerus with a swiss army knife, by God I can cut these tiles myself!” Umm, no.  Not exactly precise enough for our purposes.

  

So, I admitted failure and had to ask for help.  My girlfriend Ashley volunteered her husband’s assistance and reciprocating saw to get this thing cut.  They came over and he cut the wood in my kitchen (since it just HAD to downpour at that time), and in exchange they left their sweet toddler with me and enjoyed a nice date night Thanks you two!

The devastation.

They’re cut! (Needed sanded after too).  And bonus Chooch/Kiddie cameo!

Stencil.  I picked up some stenciling paper from Utrecht.  Oh man I LOVE Utrecht.  Sorry, this is already getting ridiculously long so I’ll save my art store love tangent for another time! I got this stuff…

So, allegedly it was supposed to be ink-jet friendly but mine turned out a hot mess.  It printed fine but the ink wouldn’t dry and it was all over the place.  So instead, I printed on normal paper, cut out the letters, traced onto the stencil paper, and cut out the letters again.  Yea this step was a pain and I’m sure there was a smarter way I could have done it.  Next time. 

Oh, and for the text, I used Arial Narrow for the letters and David for the numbers (size 260 and 100 respectively).  Google believes the font used on actual tiles is a variant of News Gothic, but I’m limited to whatever Word has Oh and just plain black acyrlic paint for this.

Other dumb things I did during this step:

1) Had to start over on the numbers and the L when I realized I had transcribed the letters on the wrong side of the paper (such that when you turned them sticky-side down the letters were backwards)
2) Accidentally put the 4 number on the U letter (it goes on the V)
3) The fan I propped up to dry the paint toppled over and took a cup of OJ with it, spraying it all over the place (I really tried to clean all of it but I’m guessing word has already spread among neighborhood ants) and
4) Completely forgot to paint one of the numbers.  

Yea, my life is pretty much one big face palm.  Last step… hold your breath and pray they turned out!

 

WAH! Cute! A spray of sealer for good measure and we’re done here!

I love them! Worth the suffering! I will say they are perfect for where they are positioned.  Close-up, you can tell it was a hand-stenciled operation (the 4 on the V is particularly gnarly), so I’d be hesitant to display them closer to eye level.  But they are great above the doorway, which is where I needed to stick something anyway. 

As for the mounting- right now the ledge is just resting (somewhat precariously) on two long nails.  I plan to later drill holes into the ledge and hang them a little more firmly on the nails.  But the drill was acting up and I’m retiring for the night.

Gold medal if you made it all the way to the bottom of this! My parents and aunt and uncle are in town this weekend (Go Phillies!) so I’ll catch you next week!

Nice Little Thursday Rainbow

Anyone else catch this beauty at approximately 19:00? Unfortunately all I had was the blackberry to document it, so not the best colors here! It was at least an upside to getting stuck (AGAIN) walking in the rain!

Be back tomorrow with some craft action… hopefully!

Pinners Gonna Hate

Yep we’re back on Pinterest. 

A bit of background here… last year, the most wonderful, splendid dream came true.  After a lifetime of beyond perfect vision, my eyes went down the crapper and I found out I needed glasses. I have envied glass-wearers FOREVER and was so excited to be officially joining their ranks! I picked out a cute pair with black rims and they’re adorable.  They also instantly give me a false sense of raised intelligence/capability/security.  Like, if I’m feeling overwhelmed I’m all like WHERE ARE MY GLASSES… dig dig dig… plunk on septum…PHEW… OK….I got this now. 

The only bummer is since they’re black, they’re not so good to wear with light or bright colored things.  So, when my annual allowance comes up in a few months, I’m lusting after some hot tortoise frames! YEA! And, OK, to be honest, the ones that I’m kind of in love with are of the oversized, librarian, and–dare I say– HIPSTER variety.  Yea, I know.  It makes no sense.  I couldn’t help falling in love.  My mind said no but my heart said yes.

So, off I went to Pinterest to round up some glasses porn.  And that is when I found this beauty…

Hot right!? So I pinned it, duh, and since the darn thing MAKES you type a description in, I added, without much thought, “Could I ever pull this off?! Unclear…” Shortly thereafter I started getting email notifications that people had commented (which I didn’t even know you could do), and I checked back to find…

So that first commenter is my very sweet zoo colleague.  I was so flattered!  The second person? I DO NOT KNOW HER! But this person,  having consulted my profile picture I guess, has determined these glasses are not for me.  HA! WTF, lady?! Who feels the need to crush the dreams of an internet stranger?! I mean, to be clear, I am not remotely offended (and do appreciate her candor in a way), it’s mostly hilarious, I just can’t imagine popping in on a stranger and responding to their rhetorical-but-als0-sort-of-looking-for-affirmation-question with a “Girl you be TRIPPING!” remark.  Oh and I love the “lol” thrown in at the end to soften the blow.  Like, you can say anything you want because when you tack on that magical acronym, you’re only joking! Lighten up!

Also, can I just say in my defense, the picture in question is of a chick with a comparable face shape, in a pony tail, with dainty earrings, wearing some kind of purple top.  Wow.  Earth shattering.  NOT unlike what you might find a normal person like me in.  Except, you know, she’s obviously some kind of movie star, whereas I’ve tripped on sidewalk cracks every day this week and walked around with lettuce in my teeth today.  Still, I don’t think it’s THAT far out of my league, not like I am aspiring to…

THAT?! Come on! I know I have a while to go before I can graduate to thick bangs and thrift store dresses (not that I’m really finding much appealing about this), but a chick has to start somewhere?! Sheesh!

Anyhoo.  The internet never fails to entertain me.  Oh, and if you’re interested in weighing in on my glasses dilemma, I promise I can take it

Life Announcement

Guys… best news ever… I am officially starting Yoga instructor class at the end of the month! AHH! I am SO excited!

Only downside is that it meets every weekend (Friday night, all Saturday, most of Sunday) from Labor Day to December 15.  So, we will be on a travel ban for a bit. So, any friends or family reading this that can’t go that long without your fix, it’s a perfect time to visit DC!

I am already COMPLETELY enthralled by the text books…

 

And not only because the model reminds me of the Mars Attacks! aliens.  (How that glowing piece of cinematic magic was overlooked for an Oscar I will never know).

Namaste, beyotches!