What I Learned About NSync Today

They still have a website…

For a stupendous read, I highly recommend from it: *NSync’s Bio.

I don’t want to spoil the fun for you, but you should know that these are direct excerpts from this document:

 It all started with dauntless rehearsals in an Orlando warehouse filled with hope.

In March, it lit the airwaves like fireworks, washing away FM’s dark veneer and offering a proper introduction to the consummate millennium-era hitmaking ensemble.

The members also revealed their writing skills on a number of tracks, including Justin’s contribution to first single, the jive-talking Pop, which said it all: “I’m sick and tired of hearin’ all these people talk about/What’s the deal with this pop life/And when is it gonna fade out?/The thing you’ve got to realize/What we’re doing is not a trend/We got the gift of melody/We’re gonna bring it til the end.”

In an instant, the world’s most popular boy band graduated to the major leagues in terms of artistic achievement.

The uptempo, sing-along Tearin’ Up My Heart came next, reaching the top 15, establishing the group as stalwart chart warriors, while awakening record labels to the dazzling star power coming out of Sweden that was fueling the group’s ascendancy.

It also employs, in great seriousness, the phrase “magical journey”, and frequently uses “the boys” as an alternative to the pronoun “they.”

The end.  Oh and PS, I talk a big game but *NSync at Hershey Stadium circa 2000 (No Strings Attached tour- respect) was my first concert experience and therefore holds a special place in my heart.  JC I LOVE YOU 4EVER WILL YOU SIGN MY BOOBS AND/OR CALL ME ON STAGE FOR A SLOW SONG???? I mean………. The end.

Hola, New Pacos!

Who knew there was a closeted community of people who love to hate Pinterest?! Thank you for visiting my humble little internet corner of neuroticism! If you are interested, here is a primer.

The time I discovered an online haven for Altoids addicts
The time we dog-sat for a deranged devil beagle
The time our dog pooped a tampon
The time I was mocked by a bulb of fennel
Or this one pretty much sums up my life in one succinct digest.

10 Things I Hate About Pinterest

OK, first, let me preface this by saying that it’s no secret I a) adore Pinterest and b) love to craft like a mofo. But… I must draw a line on the WTFery. This is that line.

1.  Curly Hair.

What exactly is the fascination here? How many times have you seen a head of curls re-pinned 4,759 times with captions like “WOW!!!!” and “Dream wedding hair!!!!!”. People. Someone curled hair. With a curling iron. That you can buy at CVS. The cheapest, most gangster mall haircut place could do that.  A groundhog could do that. A paramecium could do that. You, wistful pinner, could do that.

2.  Creepy, Sexualized Children.

No. This is not “cute” or “omg she is so beautiful” or “my future daughter will dress like this!!!!” NO. This is strange, bizarre, and some straight up To Catch a Predator material.  Gross.  Delete.  Please.

3.  Ugly Things That Inexplicably Get Re-pinned a Ton of Times.

WTF is this? If a woodland fairy copulated with a centaur at a Pottery Barn Kids outlet, I have to imagine this would be the result. EWW. 225 people re-pinned this, indicating they…. desire a room in their home to look like this. Your precious Taylor is going to grow up to be a Renaissance Faire employee or possibly a slutty Hobbit.

4.  Terrible Polyvore Boards.

Every time I stumble across one of these, I wonder who on earth is alright with walking out of the house looking like this.

I can only assume it was an 11 year old…

A color blind 11 year old…

A floozy 11 year old…

An 11 year old gone wild with a gift card to New York & Co…

5.  Women with Entirely Too Much Time on Their Hands.

I’m sorry. There are many things I don’t have time to do in between watching 16 and Pregnant, taking showers, and the mythical entity known in some circles as a “Job”. Some examples include upcycling vintage pillow cases into onesies, anything involving the adjective “distressed”, and printing typed labels that say “Quinoa”, “Barley”, and “Steel-Cut Oats” to place on TRANSLUCENT containers encasing quinoa, barley, and steel-cut oats (respectively). This photo sums it up best:

Huh? I have a number of issues with this.

• There are six spots for 7 days. I don’t need to point out that that equals less than one thing per day.
• Two of the things use the verbs “plan” and “brainstorm.” Those are not even what my English teacher called “action verbs.” Those verbs are synonyms of the verb “think.” This person has less than one thing to do per day and two of the days are dedicated to thinking about things? Where do I get this life?
• Please tell me the blog tutorial wasn’t explaining how to make this list-thing, because… it’s a piece of card stock. That someone drew on with a Sharpie. As far as I can tell, the most complex skill used in creating this was tracing around a Post-It.
• However, invariably, this will be re-pinned 142 times with captions like “Finally a solution for my insane crazy busy to-do list!!!!! My days of missing mason jar sales because I was busy making a sensory box for little EmMyrsynne are OVER!!!!!!”

6.  Juxtaposition of Thinspo and Extreme Junk Food.

It’s really difficult to appreciate Pinterest’s delightful displays of bacon-wrapped-bleu-cheese-burgers and oreo-inside-a-cookie-inside-a-brownies when right next to them is a bunch of disturbingly-captioned swimsuit models staring back at you. Branded with innocuously-named Tumblr sites, because “Ackshually it’s just motivation to be healthy, so I don’t know what the big deal is.”

I made that one up but you know the ones I mean. (And in all seriousness it should really stop)

7.  Under-Impressed Captions on Photos of Luxurious Homes People Falsely Believe They Will Live In.

Cool patio.

My kids would love this tree house.

Kitchen.

Because if I had to caption this, it would be more along the lines of OMFG GET A LOAD OF THAT FRIGGIN KITCHEN HOLY BEJEZUS!  But, yea, no.  Just Kitchen.  Like the kitchen is just okay. I mean, that hardwood leaves a lot to be desired. And who doesn’t have a vaulted, cross-beamed ceiling anymore? Uninspiring. Next.

8.  This Picture.

ENOUGH. This is not Castle Island, Dublin, Ireland.  This is the People’s Republic of Photoshop. Take it off your mailing list, update your database, stop calling.

9.  Completely Random Crap Nobody Possibly Cares About.

To illustrate this point I searched the following items: tire, shovel, dryer lint, dog poo. Did Pinterest disappoint? Never.

10.  I Just… Can’t.

Gratuitous Yoga Footage, Sorr

This is what happens when it rains all day (Sunday), you’re alone in the house due to hockey play-offs, and you’ve been corrupted by too many Pinterest pictures.  You experiment with some fun Vinyasa action and, not wanting to waste being all warmed up, one thing leads to another.  Oddly I did not expect this to be successful in the least, since the only way I can achieve lotus legs from sitting is picking up a foot and wrenching it on top of the other, but I must make this PSA for any Yogi-types who might be reading- Lotus leggies are MUCH easier from upside-down! The physics make sense when you think about it, so just goes to show you shouldn’t assume you can not do something Don’t get too excited, I obviously cheated on proper form (a lot).

I hate to put up anything smelling of “self-congratulatory” but whatever, I won’t be able to do this forever.  Also I only taped it because the self-timer didn’t afford me enough time to pain-stakingly wiggle my foot in there before snapping.  (Total pro action right there, lemme tell you!)

Oh and that would be Chooch flinging his bone at me in the first one. And the musical stylings of Fleetwood Mac and Springsteen. (Things got crunk.)

 

 

Top 10 Reasons to Own an Herb Garden

10.  Distracts from dirty window screens
9.  Major street cred in suburban wifey circles
8.  Local-ganic or whatever
7.  Can be strategically placed on top of spray paint marks on the deck when the landlords come over
6.  Neighbors must assume you have your life together
5.  Savings of up to $2.08 per grocery store trip
4.  Lazy person friendly! Did you know they automatically regenerate themselves after being dead all winter?!
3.  Builds responsibility and care-taking skills
2. You’re cool like Michelle Obama
1.  If you wanted, you could say things like “Oh you like this pesto? BOW AT MY FEET CAUSE IT CAME FROM MY HERB GARDEN, INFERIOR ONE”

Insert Sir-Mix-a-Lot Lyrics

A few more (uhh, 14) pictures from the road.  All of Mallard butts.  Nothing like feather-tufted-tocks and splayed-out-orange-leggies to get your week off on the right foot! (webbed foot)

Back in the USSR

HIIIIIII!

Home sweet home! Work event was successful but most importantly… done!  Each time I am in the depths of pre-event stress, I always envision myself as being hyper, giddy, beside myself with joy when everything’s over.  In reality, I am just pooped, and out of it, and mostly just relieved.  I’m now enjoying a delightful long weekend, and it feels strange to go from so much frenzy and activity to sleeping in and hanging around a quiet house.

Let’s see.  Everything started with me dropping Choocheroo at the Petsmart Hotel, which if you read my Twitter, you know went UN-good.  Umm, you know that moment when you’re so stressed but holding it all together, until something TOTALLY DUMB comes along, shatters your facade, and sends you crumpling to an emotional breakdown? For me that was parting with my dog.  I couldn’t stop crying. SO PATHETIC.

Oh Chooch, bless his heart.  We get there and he is crying, splaying out all 4 limbs while I try to drag him in… then I scooped him up and nuzzled him and he is still crying and shaking.  YOU WOULD HAVE LOST IT TOO.  Then I consented to an extra $20 a day for him to get the deluxe playtime option.  Then an extra $5 for daily frozen yogurt treats and peanut butter kongs.  I REPEAT.  PATHETIC.

Anyway, our office was transported to the greater Phoenix-Scottsdale area for a week and everything went well.

First, Chooch helped me pack…

I love him with his little elephant cuddly tucked under his arm.  All is forgiven.

Frontier is officially my new airline of choice since each jet is branded with a different adorably-named animal.  Did you know this?!

Sherman!

Kinda hard to see but this bird was hanging out under this bush every morning…

This was a quail on top of this building… Don’t know that I’d ever seen one in the wild…

 

Pretty resort, huh? Unfortunately our stomping grounds for the week was our windowless “staff office”…

Would it be weird to pin a grainy blackberry picture? This was pink lemonade with jalepeno! Oddly yummy.

NOM…

Kay I’m going outside.  Be back later.

Becker Out

Pro: Jeff is gone and I get to drive the car! Woo! Con: Last one to leave the parking garage is depressing and for whatever reason they put cones of shame around the vehicle.

Anyway… this is the last time you’ll have to listen to me whine about work because… we depart Thursday! So that means shiste’s about to get real up in here tomorrow.

Maybe I’ll try to pop in by conquering my fears of the WordPress “app” but if not I’ll smell you back here in a week.

Don’t you…. Forget about me….

 

The Frazzledom… It Continues

Y’all get a bonus dose of my neuroticism today! I meant to spend this last waking hour working on a work thing but APPARENTLY Windows Movie Maker files don’t transfer between computers, so instead it’s blog-whining and hopefully making it into the office early (whine).

OK, first, semi-related, in case there are readers out there who are DC-based and dabble in the administrative arts, let me tell you about the piece of knowledge which will be a game-changer for your world.  The best kept secret in this town is that there is a super secret NINE P.M. UPS pick-up on L Street between 19th and 20th.  GOD BLESS THE 9:00 PM UPS PICK UP.  Seriously.  Look for the liquor store on said block, walk back the alley next to it, you will find a UPS loading dock with a flock of very kind gentlemen more than happy to throw your shipment on the outgoing truck.  I swear on Chooch’s life that is the absolute truth and not an internet scheme wherein I collaborate with bad guys to lure you into an alley by a liquor store.

After my emergency UPS run I simply could not bear the thought of spending another hour trying to get home via my usual commute.  (Plus I was hysteric thinking of poor Chooch who hadn’t been out in 9 hours).

(Is it possible for me to write A PARAGRAPH without bringing up the darned dog? NO.  OBVIOUSLY.)

Do you ever reach that level of frazzledom where money is no object and you would pay $4,961 to make your life easier for 5 minutes? That was me tonight.  I indulged in a massive diva move and hailed a cab to transport me home.

Omigod my brain was so frazzled by that point.  All I wanted was to tell the person my intersection and space out for 10 glorious minutes.  Except I get into the car and first the guy is like “You can get in but I don’t have any change!!! Ahahaha!!” He didn’t actually laugh me.  He was very professional.  But in that moment, my brain believed that the Universe was speaking through him and the message was 1) How about next time you be less lazy, you imbecilic slug and 2) AHAHAHAHA!

Eff.  See above statement.  This was going to be a $20 joy ride and I was OKAY with that.  THEN I give the guy my intersection and Little Mister says “OK, so I just take the Memorial bridge?”

I DON’T KNOW DUDE! This is why I pay you the big bucks! OK, obviously, I know how to get home but I cannot tell you how worthless my brain was at that moment.  I mean, my brain is generally worthless when it comes to directions.  This is my NINTH year living here and these are the places I can drive to without getting lost: home, my office, the zoo, GW, and The Mecca Known As the Shopping Center Where Target and Michaels Live.

As a rule, I just assume any given cab driver knows everything or at least, like, 100 times more than I do.  Like, if I got into the car and a Ficus Tree was driving it would know more than I do.  So when he inquired about the bridge I was sort of just like “Uhhhhhh yea sure.”  Honestly I cannot keep track of DC bridges.  They all have like 3 names.  It’s such crap.  Here is how they are categorized in my mind:

Roosevelt Bridge=The one on the left
Key Bridge= The traffic-y one
Memorial Bridge=The one with the lion statues
14th Street Bridge=The one on the right
South Capitol Street Bridge=OH GOD OH GOD U TURN NOW

So, of course, he took a weird turn and immediately I knew I consented to the wrong stupid bridge. (The one with the lion statues is not the one that takes me home.  EFF YOU LIONS!).  Whatever.  It was a flat rate anyway.

The story doesn’t really have an interesting ending, I’m sorry.  Then I got home and Chooch was so excited he jumped high enough that he BIT ONTO MY HAIR.  Omigod.  (PS I went, like, 3 paragraphs without talking about the dog).

Tummy ache.  Going to sleep.  Becker out!

A Very Merry Easter/Passover/Eastover!

We have come and gone from PA too quickly and I cannot believe it’s time for the week to start again.  I have 3 days in the office before we ship off for our huge annual event so I am frazzled to the max.  Jeff leaves tomorrow for his work’s big annual event.  We still have to make accommodations for Chooch, sell tickets for Springsteen in Greensboro tomorrow night (anyone?!), file our taxes……… mega frazzle-dom.

Fun from our travels home…

 

 

 

Hope everyone had a very lovely holiday weekend.  Commence detox…