Blurbs

19 Jan

A belated note about something Christmasy.  Guys, I love sending holiday cards.  Probably more than I should.  It’s sick.  I’m not proud.  I love getting them in the mail even more.  Bill, bill, junk, junk, bill, some “open immediately” piece of marketing gimmerickery that I’ll be duped into opening because I’m a gullible idiot and if I throw it out I’ll lay awake at night wondering that maybe it was really important, bill, bill, junk, SQUEEEEEEEEE CHRISTMAS CARD.  I have to share my favorite one from this year, received from our beloved friends Angela and Marvin.  Not only did Angela give me permission to do so, she told me she would be “extremely honored” so it’s with great pleasure that I present this:

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Yes, my friends.  While Pinterest freaks from sea to sea were putting forth ultra-manicured family portraits, Marvin was dressing up as Cousin Eddie.  I know you will all join me in saying BRAVO.  I cracked up for like 10 minutes upon receipt of this.

Speaking of Christmas and Gimmicks.  Starbucks cups.  I tweeted about this before, but the red Starbucks cups really do bore their way into my very soul and infuse it with the joy and wonder of the season.  Not an exaggeration.  I repeat: sick/not proud.  I can’t explain it.  Who else thinks it’s the biggest bummer ever to make your first January Starbucks trip and get stuck with a crappy depressing soulless spiritless white cup? This came up in a chat with some chick friends the other week, and everyone was in agreement that the change was FAR too abrupt and a more gradual transition was needed.  We jokingly brainstormed possibly a splotch of red could stay on, the cups could be pink and gradually fade.  All excellent ideas.  Starbucks, take note.  FEAR THE MOMMY DEMOGRAPHIC.  God bless The Bachelor or I just do not know HOW I would get through winter.  I wish that was a joke.

Birds.

Guys.

I need you to look at these birds that were, I don’t know, sunbathing behind our house? They were just hanging out in the trees with their wings spread like this.  Actually kind of terrifying.

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I’d never seen anything like this before.  Anyone have insight here? As a former zoo volunteer I should have a better command of the behavior of our avian amigos, but everyone there knew to distance yourself from the bird people.  You would think the resident weirdos at the zoo would be the invertebrate or reptile people, but it’s well joked to be the bird people.  I say this all in a good-natured way of course, because I love all creatures and friends-of-creatures.  Even terrifying birds that will probably visit me in my nightmares.

Pinterest.  I know.  I can’t let it go.  I actually kind of despise Pinterest at this point.  I am overdue to do a long post making fun of about 100 things I have saved up to make fun of, but today I just need to present this:

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I’M SORRY.  I don’t know who this individual is and I hope she won’t find this because I’m sure she’s a lovely person but COME ON.  What exactly is the point of this, to show the world just how perfectly put together you can be even during birth? Gawd, I hate what Pinterest has done for birth and parenting.  Bringing babies into the world and parenting them is hard work, it’s serious, it’s dirty, it doesn’t always come wrapped up in a pretty box.  It does lend itself to some sweet photo ops (which everyone knows I take full advantage of like the next person), but some days I just wonder if people are letting this crap get ahead of the important, substantive work we do as people raising humans.  I’m realizing I might have more to say about this so maybe I’ll pick up this topic another time.  In summation: I hope at some point in this woman’s labor she pooped on that pink polka dot gown.  The end.

13 Responses to “Blurbs”

  1. Miranda January 20, 2014 at 9:48 am #

    Maybe the birds were reenacting their favorite play or TV show. Seems legit.

    I need more Christmas cards like that one. It’s amazing.

    • Sarah January 20, 2014 at 12:56 pm #

      It is so amazing!!

  2. lcmgoggin January 20, 2014 at 10:35 am #

    We all know her “shitters” about to be full all over that table and pretty pink gown…also who drinks tea after birth…WHO DAMNIT?!

    • Sarah January 20, 2014 at 1:01 pm #

      hee hee…. the tea thing I interpreted the opposite way, more like “here I am showing up for my induction for my first birth, TEE HEE I have no idea what I’m in for but I bet it will be divine!” and I have to assume the next day the poor girl was a wreck like the rest of us.

  3. Jackie January 20, 2014 at 12:53 pm #

    I laughed out loud because that woman whose picture you pinned? I started following her blog mere days ago. Mostly because I like to feel bad about myself. Here’s her link, so you can share in my self loathing and inability to be perfect in all ways: http://www.annasaccone.com/
    (PS- I read your blog when I want to feel normal again)

    • Sarah January 21, 2014 at 12:15 pm #

      Whattt…. omg. Dude. I definitely loathe myself too now. I like “what I ate wednesday” and may counter it with “What I fished out of my sink drain when I cleaned it for the first time in 15 months Wednesday”

  4. Sam January 22, 2014 at 3:05 pm #

    I’m not sure how I found your blog exactly, but this post cracked me up!

  5. Carla January 22, 2014 at 3:09 pm #

    That had to be a shock the first time pee ran down her leg after having the baby, and realizing there was nothing she could do to stop it. OK, maybe that was me…

  6. 5sisters1bro January 25, 2014 at 6:30 am #

    ahah i thought the same thing about that girl on pinterest! by the way, no cool pictures with the baby, she might have discovered what it means to be a mom.. :D

  7. disconcerted72 January 25, 2014 at 12:07 pm #

    I just happened across your blog on a random perusal of the blogs available and I have to say, I’m glad I did. Your commentary seems so random, yet fits together so nicely.

    Anyways, thanks for the nice smile this blog brought to my face.

  8. Gretchen Noelle February 11, 2014 at 11:34 am #

    I saw someone’s post on Facebook the other day (I have a love/hate relationship with it) and deemed that someone “gives Pinterest birthday parties.”

    I know I will feel inadequate when my baby has a birthday. Thanks, Pinterest.

  9. Corelle March 26, 2014 at 11:15 am #

    Random comment 2months later: 1.) I love your blog! 2.) A couple things we can also make fun of the Pinterest girl for–It seems she is totally holding the end of the pee-stick of which she peed upon, ew! And, she has a glider ottoman as a night stand. How does that work? :)

    • Sarah March 26, 2014 at 8:32 pm #

      Wut? That raises a lot of questions for me too. Where does her beverage sit???? So many questions.

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