Gratuitous Mothers Day Post

Love my mama!

 

And a special holiday hello from me and the Frog!

Behold the Greatest Accessory Ever

My Grandma… knitter of awesome things long before Pinterest made it cool!

Summer Photo Dump

Thank you SO much for the baby love! I have much to share but wanted to quick dump some photos from our recent travels… obviously I needed to explain the big old tumm-a-lumm first! We just got back from a lake trip with my family (lakes… not as lame as they sound!) and some Jersey time with Jeff’s family.  After a crazy summer I’m feeling a little more recharged after having spent a week and a half off the radar.  Very lucky.

Gracie at the helm… is my sister hot or what? I told her she looked like a Bond girl here…

Have I introduced you to my family’s goofball lab Bruce? Bruuuuce!

Doggie butts…

I should get a girl scout patch or something for jumping in nasty lake water… very happy I seem to have come out parasite free! It was just too tempting to resist…

Preggies can have fun too!

Aww the fam… PRECIOUS

Meanwhile, a little further south…

Omg more gratuitous beach belly pictures forgive me….

Happy Mama’s Day

To all the mommys out there! Especially mine, who is the greatest of all of them (sorry)

Happy Weekend

Look who came to visit this weekend! That’s right, your humble narrator’s parents…

AWW… Can’t you feel the love?!

Blurbs

Today I had a question that Google led me to Yahoo Answers to resolve.  First off, to begin with another tangent, my Google was “natural alternatives to benzoyl peroxide,”  which is the active ingredient in that purple Clean and Clear tube that I’ve been using since I was like 15.  Lately I’m starting to be all paranoid about chemicals and food additives and the bazillion toxins that make their way into our bodies every day, and that’s one I’d be happy to cut out.  Tangent within tangent time! I need to do a whole post on the basket case anxiety phases I’ve gone through every few years since my birth.  Healthy, I know!  I was on a solid hypochondria kick from years 18-25, but now I’m on to worrying I’m going to birth a child with 6 arms due to using Clean and Clear.  SO VERY, VERY healthy!

ANYWAY, back to Yahoo Answers… Good grief y’all.  It’s like Google for the weird and imbalanced.  Check this action out:

I love this.  Guess what dummybritches, I do eat “nutricious” and that still doesn’t stop me from breaking out like a 7th grader whenever I try to ween off the C&C.  “But if you MUST know some alternative drug”  (emphasis mine), this person is going to draw upon her extensive expertise as a watcher of television and television commercials (excuse me, “commercial’s”) and recommend Proactive! OK, third line up, people:  “Judging by their commercials it works.”

Judging…… by their commercials….. it works. 

WELL I SHOULD SURELY HOPE SO!

By this strategy, I should be able to just look to the Shark Steam Vac or Orange Glo to fix my face.  Great to know.  No really, that second person’s suggestion, the tea tree oil, came up a few times.  So I’m looking into that.  If anyone else out there has any suggestions (I’m on Team Oily!), I’m all ears.  (Oily ears). 

I also have to tell you another great story from my Mom.  She had an injured homing pigeon land in our yard at home!  Did you know homing pigeons are still, like, a thing? Apparently there’s a whole market for buying them and using them for a hobby or to gamble.  AWFUL.  So this poor bird was tagged and registered! My Mom researched and contacted the national authority on homing pigeons, tracked down the owner’s contact info, and reached out to them to try and return this poor bird.  Those jerks never responded to her! AWFUL.  Again.  So my Mom convinced a bird rehabilitation facility (that “doesn’t normally accept pigeons”… PSSH) to take this bird! She dropped him off there so he’s on the mend.  My Mom has been warned it’s possible he’ll return to our house when he’s released since that was the last place he will remember feeling safe.  AWW! Mom, I love you.  You are my hero.  For real. 

Check out the tie on this stranger on the metro…

That is an American Gothic tie if you can tell! Ha!

Two things I’m loving from the internet…

Stolen from FB. Couldn't find source. Sorry. Don't Sue.

 

katzwinkel.com

 

Strange Conversations I’ve Had With My Mother, Volume 368

Preface: My mom has some issues with, how shall I say this, ADULT ADD.  Phone conversations with her are challenging because she can’t just sit down and talk on the phone, she is always doing multiple other tasks which consume all of her attention.  When she’s watching TV it’s the worst.

Me: Hi, Mom… whatcha doing?

Mom: Oooooh just watching a moooovie…

Me: What movie?

Mom: …….What movie….. Oooh…. Uhh….. It’s the one…..with the wolf…..?

Me: Huh? Teen Wolf?

Mom: Nooo….

Me: Little Red Riding Hood?

Mom: Yes!

Me: Oh OK.  Well do you want to call me back?

Mom: ………….Call what?

Me: Why don’t you call me back?

Mom: Ohh….. yes…. call you back….. yea let me call you back.  You… uhh… going to be up for a while?

Me: Mom it’s eight o’clock.

Mom: Ooohh….. right….. eight….. so it is…..Yea I’ll call you back.

Hi Again!

Just got back from vacay! We had a super time with my parents, sister, and boyfriend-of-sister… and most of all were so lucky that we were able to change our plans last minute to still get our trip together this year.  And m0ster of all, so lucky that we only lost a day of vacation when so many people were dealing with a lot more serious stuff from the storm.  Thank you, God!

We did the drive down in an evening and the next morning… this was circa 11:00pm at who-the-heck-knows-where, Virginia… ugh painful…

And on the second day passed the iconic/horrific South of the Border…

We’re there!

We immediately dropped Chooch into the pool… his first swim! (He did NOT appreciate it).  I will post the video later, it’s hilarious.

Then off to the beach…

Umm, can I tell you how close I was to losing my engagement ring in this next picture?! I guess I was stupid to have such a cavalier attitude about it, but I said “oh just for a second!,” plunked it down on this seemingly safe spot beyond the reach of waves, and then when my hands were pre-occupied with the camera, WAVE.  Umm, I guess I forgot they are unpredictable like that.  Even though it was the thinnest little layer of water, it swept them right away and my eyeballs couldn’t follow both.  I had my eye on the band and immediately scooped it up, but the engagement ring was lost for a good minute or two.  I frantically waved my parents over and Dan, thank GOD, found it! And, thank God that thing is INSURED.  Seriously, if you’re a dolt like me, pay the $40/year for that. 

The vegetation in the South never ceases to amaze me…

Some more family fun… self timers are not a strength of ours….

Magic moment, I know! Ahh better job this time…

Mama/Gracie…

Dan and I took a bike ride around the “plantation” thing we were on…

Blue heron! 

I went into vacation feeling like Arnold Freaking Schwarzenegger from 3 days of straight yoga training, and after a week of beach-lounging and poor dietary choices, am now feeling more like Jabba the Hut.  With the flu.  Nevertheless, I couldn’t resist a wide open beach to get my asana on….

Two words: PIGGLY WIGGLY.  Yea I know this is because of meth or whatever but I couldn’t help laughing at Visine in the meat department.  Also: is that Visine I spy below the sign?

BOO our last night… (Sadly Gracie and Carl had to leave a day early due to fun-hating employers… BOO again)…

Awkward self timer angle again but I’m loving the reflection in the puddle!

A kind beach-goer took pity and volunteered to take one for us! Much better…

Such a great time with the fam! We had a FAIRLY uneventful ride back today, excepting an unfortunate stop at a Wendy’s in, I don’t know, some Carolina.  You see, Chooch is actually a delight to travel with, he hangs out in the back seat self entertaining or napping like a champ, the only thing that has ever really bothered me about traveling with the pup is the nasty, foul, disgusting plots of grass you encounter when taking him out for a break at a rest stop/gas station/Southern Wendy’s.  So, today I was standing there with him, when I felt a pinch on my foot, and looked down to find ANTS ALL OVER my flip-flopped feet.  O. M. G.  And mind you, not like an ant or two, but like ANTS ants.  Ant party.  Ant Dave Matthews Band concert.  MANY ANTS.  I had been there for like 45 seconds so it must have been a serious infestation.  Shudder!

OK! Well with that… sweet dreams! And happy Labor Day!

Weekend Photo Dump (Zoo Edition)

Woo hoo… back from a fun weekend with my family in town! Lots of food… Phillies… and today we made the pilgrimage to the Mall and hit the Natural History Museum.  Love those trilobites! And oh man, I FORGOT how friggin’ cool dinosaurs are! Urgh, if only it didn’t remind me how depressing it is that I’m up to my eyeballs in debt for a degree in the most boring subject ever.  Gerr.  On a jollier note.  I also was on duty at the zoo both mornings, and this morning got to escort a behind-the-scenes tour of lions-tigers.  SCHWEET! 

I’ll keep the kitties off the interwebs (boo, I know) but had to share this giggle-worthy signage.

 

Boobs

Tonight I missed the stupid bus after work.  Even though it would take me 2 seconds to consult the chart as to the bus’ departure time and leave accordingly, I always figure with 10-15 minutes between buses, you probably won’t be that far away from your next one if you leave randomly.  This is the plight of the optimistic.  Because lately I am getting there just as the stinking thing is driving off.

So, stuck with 15 minutes on my hands I looked around and noticed there were tents and music set up across the street.  Then, I remembered the other day getting handed a flyer at the metro about a farmer’s market in the hood.  Aside: I will always take whatever’s being handed out to me by people on the street.  Having been that poor schmuck before, namely, handing out candidate literature at 6:00am at the Dunn Loring metro alongside someone in an elephant costume, I can appreciate their pain.  I vowed I would always accept whatever crap was being shoved my way.  Scientology, Jews for Jesus, specials at the Gentleman’s club… sign me up!

SO I connected the dots and the street happenings were indeed a mini farmers market! Fun! I wandered over. 

Now, if Al Borland asks you about Things You’d Find at the Farmer’s Market, what comes to mind? Vegetables? (39) Fruit? (25) Baked goods? (19) Dancing troop of breastfeeding advocates? (X).  But I kid you not, there was a group of women doing a choreographed routine, wearing shirts that said “You have everything your baby needs.  Ask me about breastfeeding!” Shut the front door!

Now, I am about as big of a breastfeeding advocate as is possible for a person with no actual baby experience.  Disclaimer: Bend it Like Becker and its affiliates do not care how you, your mom, your BFF, your neighbor, the person in the cubicle next to you, elected to feed their child.  This is nothing but the memoirs of this kooky author who descended from a kooky mother.  For entertainment purposes only.

So, yea, my kooky mother is, like, a MILITANT breastfeeding advocate.  While everyone else got lectures about staying away from drugs, I can only remember my mother telling me that I WOULD breastfeed my future children if I knew what was good for me.  Note that this indoctrination began long before I actually possessed breasts.  Any academic or athletic achievement of my sister or I was met with “Well that’s because you were breastfed.  You’re welcome.”  And any health or behavioral problem with any other kid was “Well what do you expect, they were [whispering] formula fed.”  She also has a mental archive of every study that’s ever identified a benefit to breastfeeding, and will bring these up when she’s able.  Did you know that breastfed children have higher IQs? Better body weights? Heartier immune systems? Invisible force fields and/or warp speed? Are less likely to have birds crap on their cars as adults?

Now, in all semi-seriousness, good job Mama because it definitely sunk in.  I was so excited about the dancing boob people today that I had to stop myself from putting my fist in the air and screaming GIRL POWER! To my future, God willing, infants: you’re getting put on the teet and you’re going to like it, effers.  Prepare yourselves now.  Any child of mine that wants similac will have to be pried from my cold, dead nipples. 

Alright, on that note, that’s PROBABLY enough on this subject for a weekday.  Enjoy your Fridays and your weekends, all!

P.S.  Did you arrive here from facebook? I am kind of getting annoyed that this blog, has, like barfed all over my profile page with updates.  I am going to disable the syncing feature and maybe just do it for select stuff every once in a while.  I will continue to write so put this into your readers or your bookmarks, yo! Focker OUT…