The Best Science Tax Dollars Can Buy

Groundbreaking insight from the nation’s nutrition experts… Water! It hydrates!

 

Tax Dollars At Work

I was searching for a transcript at work today and stumbled on this gem.  James Madison with clocks and swirling cosmos.  Trippy.

Debt Ceiling Special Edition: Government E-Cards!

Today I discovered possibly the greatest thing ever.  Get ready for this.  SIT DOWN.  Initiate paper bag respiration if needed.  THE CENTERS FOR DISEASE CONTROL MAKES E-CARDS. 

I know, that doesn’t really require further explanation does it? Let’s take a look at the offerings anyway.  This is an outstanding perk you are entitled to as a federal taxpayer that you probably didn’t know about! I mean, how can you be upset about government spending when these are the kinds of quality resources our government so graciously makes available to us?!

Behold…

Wait, what? You mean that little cuddly guy on the right I should avoid? I’m really glad you said something because otherwise I would have chosen “go out of my way to pursue” for him.  K.  Got it now.

Another helpful reminder! When signs at bars, disclaimers on labels, and K-12 health classes fall short, our last line of defense is… e-cards!
EWW!  I don’t know what this is about but please spare Americans from graphic illustrations of dirty fingernails! Nast!

I am trying to think of something worse that could arrive in your inbox than this e-card but not coming up with anything… 

Truth: there’s nothing funny about a natural disaster.  So WTF is the story with this e-card? What is the target audience here? It’s not even like thinking of you as you are cleaning up after a disaster.  Or I’m sorry to hear you are cleaning up after a disaster.  Just… yep, we’re cleaning up. 

Not sure why the CDC is making Congrats On Your New Fish cards but SOMEONE has to manufacture these, right?! Because fish are under-represented in the private pet card market and THAT’S! NOT! FAIR! And why is that fish, like, boring into my soul with those eyes!?

Zoro Salmonella was the card I eventually elected to send to my special someone.  Little did I know it came with free BONUS HILARITY in the form of CDC E-card terms and conditions! Sorry the screen shot is crap…

My favorite note was that “CDC/HHS does not authorize the use of copyrighted materials contained in a personal message.”  Do you think these are policed? Wait, why am I asking this question, I guarantee they have a Director of E-Card Quality Control and Legal Compliance in their Public Health Informatics and Technology Programs Office.  They are probably a GS12 too.  Anyway, that copyright ban was really disappointing because it destroyed all my ideas for a personal message.  Like:

• Salmonella: It’s what’s for dinner ©
• Salmonella: It’s everywhere you want to be  ©
• Maybe she was born with it, maybe it’s salmonella  ©
• Salmonella: I’m lovin’ it!  ©

I don’t even have to ask, I know you are all richer in character for having learned more about this E-card program.  Also, I must note- I have no intention of discussing politics (at least not seriously) here, ever.  I wouldn’t have even brought it up if the stinkin’ President hadn’t interrupted the PENULTIMATE Bachelorette episode of the season with his incessant prattle.  Un! Cool! So, I had to take the cheap shots tonight