Loving/Hating

Loving:

OK, not gonna lie, I’m kind of in love with our beagle-for-the-week Molly.  Even if we did lose a great deal of sleep on Tuesday night due to her anxiety shenanigans.  I was also whining to our Dog Nanny CEO (Yo Des!) about the abject horror that is walking two dogs simultaneously, to which she told me I’d “get used to it and then want 2 babies!!” and I was like “lololololololol NEVER, this is insufferable misery and I was very close to bludgeoning myself unconscious with a full poop baggie if it would have made the walk end sooner” and 30 hours later I’m singing a different tune.  You know what’s more cute than 1 doggie greeting you at the door crying and begging for a tummy rub? Two of the little furry effers! I’m already thinking of excuses to give her parents so I can secretly hoard her forever.  “Welcome back! UMM I suppose you are looking for Molly? That sucks cause we lost her.  SORR.”

Also loving: The Discovery Health show “I’m Pregnant And _____” and Heejun from American Idol.

Hating:

The self check-out at the grocery store.  How have I not whined about that thing yet!? The self check-out machine and I have a long-standing love/hate relationship.  Mostly hate.  Mostly murderous rage.

The thing is so tempting isn’t it? I always remind myself of my long and decorated history of FAIL with the self check-out machine when I’m tempted to use it.  Like the other week when I got in line (traditional human check-out line) behind an older gentleman in a fedora buying 1) cotton balls and 2) a Twix bar.  (True story, not just 2 arbitrary items I was making up, that was apparently his list).  And I’m saying to myself OKAY.  All my instincts are telling me to run, run far away BUT homeslice has 2 items.  This has to be a quick transaction.  Stick it out in the lane run by a human with an actual brain and cognitive abilities.

People, let me save you the fuss.  No judgement here, but fedora+cotton balls+Twix=trouble.  I waited for like 9 minutes while who knows what happened up there.  BUT then you get in the stupid self check-out lane and your odds are no better.

I swear if that thing tells me one more time to remove a non-existent item from the belt, replace a non-existent item on the scanner, present my ID for the 5th time to buy whatever crappy wine is on sale that day, or to  ”Please wait! Help is on the way!”, I WILL cut someone.  Honestly, if the stupid machine is not interested in assisting me that day, I wish it would just let me know.  You know, like instead of “Welcome! Please scan your bonus card!” it could just say “NOPE.  WALK AWAY.  NOT TODAY.” I would at least appreciate the honesty.

Also hating: My stupid computer “updated” itself in the stealth of night while I was powerless to postpone it.  For the record, I will do most things short of sacrificing my life to avoid computer updates.  Like The Oatmeal, I delight in tricking the thing into thinking I’ll maybe someday indulge it with its coveted updates.  Like, I will click “Remind Me Later” every week for 5 years until the effer pulls a fast one on me and updates and restarts itself at 3:00am.  ANYWAY it pulled that devious little maneuver on me and now I am stuck with some new-fangled Internet Explorer and MY PINTEREST MAGIC PIN-IT BUTTON IS GONE.  First world problems of epic proportions, I’m aware.  I spent like 20 minutes trying t0 restore it and it just seems to be bugg-y for me.  Microsoft, y’all better get ON this.  Or, I should maybe get over it and employ some coping skills.  Maybe.

Loving/Hating

Loving:

 

Photo credit- thanks- I snarfed them down before I had the chance to photograph.

Oh.  Mah.  Gah.  Oh.  Mah.  Gah.  Try these things.  For real.  I don’t even know where to start.  I was prepared for disappointment when I begrudgingly chose this semi-healthy, low-carb, “reasonable” snack.  I was blown away.  They are still, you know, glazed… but the ingredients are surprisingly clean and, as mentioned, they freaking taste like Skittles.  Try them and come back here and tell me they don’t.  Starbucks glazed cashews=magical unicorn chow.

Hating (Well not really hating, but just mourning my unmet expectations): OXO hand chopper (AKA imitation slap chop).

 

Some background.  Occasionally I will meticulously deliberate dumb household purchases.  There are a few explanations behind this, the primary one being that I may or may not just have a smidgen of OCD in my genetic makeup, I am also big on simplified living and clutter gives me meltdowns (see previous remark), and our 800 square feet doesn’t afford a ton of storage space so combatting clutter is critical.  Does that little bit of alliteration make my story about The Mental Process That Led Me to Buy a Slap Chop more interesting? I sincerely hope so.  SO anyway I think hard about what value a new item adds, and I really have to prove to myself that it brings something unique to the table that something else in the house isn’t already doing. 

I wanted a slap chop because chopping multiple veggies and herbs on a cutting board is basically a 9 year committment, and my food processor makes me stabby because I can never figure out how to click all the pieces together, and afterwards I have 5 pieces to hand wash.  Annoying.  I thought this would really improve my life when it came to prepping multiple veggies.  OK I’ll shut up now before you all hurl yourselves in front of traffic from the pain/boredom of this explanation.  

I went through all this in my mind while we drove back from PA on Sunday, which is where I do most of my pondering of life’s great quandaries.  Poor Jeff is confined in the car with me and has to suffer through 3 hours worth of random, disjointed, stream-of-conscious thoughts from me. 

“Jeff?”
“Yea?”
“What would you think if I got a tattoo?”
“Umm, I don’t know.”
“Isn’t there a federal holiday next month?”
“President’s Day.”
“Mmm OK.  I think I want a slap chop.”
“Okay.  Is that the end of your question?”
“Yea.  I’ve been giving it some thought and I think I want one.”
“………Okay.”

So as soon as we got home I dropped my stuff and was like BRB GOING TO GET A SLAP CHOP and battled my way through heinous Bed Bath and Beyond parking in hot pursuit. 

The thing is an awful disappointment.  It has a million pieces I can’t figure out just like the stupid food processor, the blades would pop out and almost lob my digits off when I tried to dismantle it, it doesn’t chop herbs and only succeeded in putting zig-zag blade patterns in the leaves, instead of chopping veggies they just disappeared into the bowels of the device, and various other first world problems which I’ll quit with right now.  I’m holding onto this thing because unlike knives and bulky cutting boards and the food processor, HOME BOY GOES IN THE DISHWASHER! AWW YEA!

Forcing myself to end this train wreck of a post in 3…2…

Loving/Hating

Sorry, one of these days I’ll get back to writing actual words and sentences and verbal-type stuff.  That day is not Monday. 

Thing I love right now:

I love, love, love me some tomato soup.  Lurve.  This soup is my BFF because 1) it’s a party in my mouth and 2) once the temperature heads south of 45, I start to look for weekday lunch solutions that don’t involve me going outside.  Also around that time of the year, my mind starts to be genuinely boggled at the idea that so many Americans electively live in places like Chicago and Minneapolis.  Like, millions of you! Again, I’m not just making idle chit chat, I consider this to be a truly boggling life conundrum. I can only assume that the early nomadic settlers arrived to these locations in, like, July.  But then they stuck around! Thank you sweet Lord that I was born in the mid-Atlantic and well after the advent of electricity, cause if that was me and November set in, I’d be like oh HELL no and huff it back down to Mexico and become an Aztec or something.  Cray cray Northern folk!

Thing I hate right now (and always):

Why won’t this broad leave! I hate to be a hater but geez this campaign has got to end.  I just read on Wikipedia that “Flo” is actually becoming known as, like, a hugely popular and iconic advertising character.  Am I the only one who has been supremely irritated by these commercials for years?! They haven’t even worked because when I went to Google that picture I typed in “Flo Nationwide” on my first pass.  Whoopsie.