So, you may know that I used to work in a political-y capacity. But, I’m now retired from that stuff (which is why I can get away with writing this), so we’re only going to talk about it here rarely and in a non-serious fashion. I don’t know what the heck got me on this, but I was walking Chooch the other morning and thinking about all the frustrating (yet hilarious and frequently heartwarming) people you meet in “the field.” Once again, no ill-intent here, for entertainment purposes only
On that note… Bend it Like Becker presents… The Five People You Meet on a Political Campaign:
The College Republican
TCR: Omigod, I love George W. Bush too! You know I’m a member of the College Republicans? You know I’m their Sophomore Communications Vice Chairman at Large? You know I’m the webmaster for our I Love George W. Bush Facebook group? Yea, that means we’ve spread the message to, like, 46 people voting absentee in non-contested states. And sometimes… my friends and I get together to drink and talk about politics… Omigod, we’re such NERDS!
Hey that’s cool, yea! So, do you think you’d have an hour available to come in and volunteer?
TCR: Oh, uhh, no. No freaking way dude.
The County Chairman
TCC: Yes, we are still waiting on our yard sign delivery up here! [Neighboring county to the North] and [neighboring county to the South] and [neighboring county to the East] and [neighboring county to the West] have them! What exactly is the problem with you people!?
Yes, you’ll get your yard signs shortly, how are your voter phone calls going?
TCC: Now you listen here! You don’t understand how things work in [county]! You call us up from the BIG CITY with all your talk about “TELEPHONES” when what this county needs is YARD SIGNS! That is how we did things on the Dole campaign, that is how we did things on the Nixon campaign, that is how we did things on the Eisenhower campaign, and if that’s not alright with you then I QUIT!
Hello! We’re currently recruiting volunteers to help with phone banks and door-to-door walks this weekend. It looks like you signed up to volunteer on the campaign, would you be available to join us?
TPhD: Oh, yea, no I definitely am interested in volunteering. And wow, geez, that sounds awesome! I’m just not sure its the best use of the resources I could provide? I mean, I do have two Masters degrees and [reviews resume highlights]. Maybe I could write a policy paper for you guys? Or, does the President maybe need a healthcare advisor? Or, I could maybe TRAIN your volunteers? Do you have anything like that I could do?
Note: phone call scripts normally say things like “Hello, I’m voting for [candidate] because they support education reform and a brighter future for our children! Thanks, don’t forget to vote!” Note 2: These people at least get credit for showing up to help out.
TUPC: [on the phone]………and that is how 50,000 innocent babies came to be slaughtered in our state last year. Also, John Kerry takes money from Muslims. [.......] Yea, you obviously despise America, so you should just stay home on Election Day. America hater. Tell your friends too. [.......] Fine, good bye. This call was paid for by the Republican National Committee.
The Rural Senior
TRS: HELLO? HELLO? YES I WILL NEED SOMEONE TO DROP WHAT THEY ARE DOING AND DRIVE OUT TO MY HOME TODAY TO REPLACE MY YARD SIGN! THOSE KERRY HOOLIGANS STOLE IT AGAIN! BUT I GOT THEM ON CAMERA THIS TIME, YES I DID! I’VE CONTACTED THE POLICE BUT I WILL NEED YOUR HELP PROSECUTING THESE CRIMINALS! PUT ME ON THE PHONE WITH THE CHAIRMAN!
Wow, yea, we’re really sorry to hear that! You can always come in for a new sign, and maybe join a phone bank while you’re at it!
TRS: PHONE WHATTA? WHAT, NO, BRING ME A NEW YARD SIGN!!!