Spotifail

Note the extreme inconsistency between the selected track and the “artist radio based on”…

 

35ish or Something

******Fish Update********

(Because you are all dying for one)

I’ve since assumed this scenario.  I think one of the stray cats (don’t make me get into that again) must have hunted it out of the nearby creek and plopped  it down there.  It is the only conceivable explanation I can come up with that doesn’t involve fish-wielding creepos trolling about my neighborhood.  I’m still going to run for the HOA cause that would be hilarious.

******End of Fish Update******

*****Unless this was really interesting and you would like to see it covered more in which case let me know cause it was fascinating for me too********

IN OTHER NEWS

Wheels are coming off the weekly update wagon but whatever.  I can’t even keep track of the math anymore.  All I know is we are less than a month away as of today.  (omfg x 19,546,109).

So, yay, belated with the fish drama, but we did arrive home from our weekend in NYC and I didn’t birth on the Amtrak! And as a follow up to the last update, I will tell you that the little frock I ordered worked out swimmingly, proving that with enough pearls you CAN wear a $30 Old Navy dress to a black tie event.  (Cheapskate level: expert).

The weekend included an annual dinner thing honoring a noteworthy Pennsylvanian; this year it was M. Night Shyamalan, warranting the most excellent and awesome dinner favor that there ever was, ever:

Yes ladies and gentlemen, that is exactly what you think it is.  I can only quote what my spouse so eloquently proclaimed to the Facebook world: I now have an M. Night Shyamalan Christmas ornament.  And you do not.

A Fish

Spotted just now: an EFFING DECEASED FISH across the street in a ‘common area’ of our neighborhood.

WTF seriously.

With this, I officially announce my candidacy for office.  Here is my official campaign button for everyone to display proudly.  Join the fight.

Pennsylvania… Still Awesome

So beautiful….

Yet so redneck!

(A few images from being out and about last week.)

Umm, on Friday night we also went to the high school football game.  Do you know what we did afterwards? HALF PRICE LATE NIGHT APPS AT APPLEBEES, BABY! High school football was the talk of the Applebee’s bar.  It was possibly the most glorious suburban night ever.  All you h8rs better stop laughing and ask yourselves if there’s anywhere in your cool urban area where you can get 2 beers and spicy chili cheese nachos for $9.86.  You can’t.  If you think you can, I must ask you if your nachos appear on the menu with a little apple and a star, denoting they are a Applebee’s Neighborhood Favorite.  I DIDN’T THINK SO, SMARTYPANTS.

I didn’t have 2 beers though.  Obviously.  I sat at the bar with a milkshake.  In my elastic jeans.  WINNING! Sorry baby that you are trying to accomplish really difficult biological processes fueled by a milkshake and spinach and artichoke dip.  So sorry.

Morons

So I’ve been poking around the interwebs trying to get my “freelance writing career” off the ground (which is still nowhere close to being freed from air quotes), and I found this little nugget of LOLitude…

UGH! Not sure whether to laugh or cry!

Cough cough Sarah Becker for hire cough cough… My qualifications include superior English class performance, grades 4-6.

 

10 Things I Hate About Pinterest

OK, first, let me preface this by saying that it’s no secret I a) adore Pinterest and b) love to craft like a mofo. But… I must draw a line on the WTFery. This is that line.

1.  Curly Hair.

What exactly is the fascination here? How many times have you seen a head of curls re-pinned 4,759 times with captions like “WOW!!!!” and “Dream wedding hair!!!!!”. People. Someone curled hair. With a curling iron. That you can buy at CVS. The cheapest, most gangster mall haircut place could do that.  A groundhog could do that. A paramecium could do that. You, wistful pinner, could do that.

2.  Creepy, Sexualized Children.

No. This is not “cute” or “omg she is so beautiful” or “my future daughter will dress like this!!!!” NO. This is strange, bizarre, and some straight up To Catch a Predator material.  Gross.  Delete.  Please.

3.  Ugly Things That Inexplicably Get Re-pinned a Ton of Times.

WTF is this? If a woodland fairy copulated with a centaur at a Pottery Barn Kids outlet, I have to imagine this would be the result. EWW. 225 people re-pinned this, indicating they…. desire a room in their home to look like this. Your precious Taylor is going to grow up to be a Renaissance Faire employee or possibly a slutty Hobbit.

4.  Terrible Polyvore Boards.

Every time I stumble across one of these, I wonder who on earth is alright with walking out of the house looking like this.

I can only assume it was an 11 year old…

A color blind 11 year old…

A floozy 11 year old…

An 11 year old gone wild with a gift card to New York & Co…

5.  Women with Entirely Too Much Time on Their Hands.

I’m sorry. There are many things I don’t have time to do in between watching 16 and Pregnant, taking showers, and the mythical entity known in some circles as a “Job”. Some examples include upcycling vintage pillow cases into onesies, anything involving the adjective “distressed”, and printing typed labels that say “Quinoa”, “Barley”, and “Steel-Cut Oats” to place on TRANSLUCENT containers encasing quinoa, barley, and steel-cut oats (respectively). This photo sums it up best:

Huh? I have a number of issues with this.

• There are six spots for 7 days. I don’t need to point out that that equals less than one thing per day.
• Two of the things use the verbs “plan” and “brainstorm.” Those are not even what my English teacher called “action verbs.” Those verbs are synonyms of the verb “think.” This person has less than one thing to do per day and two of the days are dedicated to thinking about things? Where do I get this life?
• Please tell me the blog tutorial wasn’t explaining how to make this list-thing, because… it’s a piece of card stock. That someone drew on with a Sharpie. As far as I can tell, the most complex skill used in creating this was tracing around a Post-It.
• However, invariably, this will be re-pinned 142 times with captions like “Finally a solution for my insane crazy busy to-do list!!!!! My days of missing mason jar sales because I was busy making a sensory box for little EmMyrsynne are OVER!!!!!!”

6.  Juxtaposition of Thinspo and Extreme Junk Food.

It’s really difficult to appreciate Pinterest’s delightful displays of bacon-wrapped-bleu-cheese-burgers and oreo-inside-a-cookie-inside-a-brownies when right next to them is a bunch of disturbingly-captioned swimsuit models staring back at you. Branded with innocuously-named Tumblr sites, because “Ackshually it’s just motivation to be healthy, so I don’t know what the big deal is.”

I made that one up but you know the ones I mean. (And in all seriousness it should really stop)

7.  Under-Impressed Captions on Photos of Luxurious Homes People Falsely Believe They Will Live In.

Cool patio.

My kids would love this tree house.

Kitchen.

Because if I had to caption this, it would be more along the lines of OMFG GET A LOAD OF THAT FRIGGIN KITCHEN HOLY BEJEZUS!  But, yea, no.  Just Kitchen.  Like the kitchen is just okay. I mean, that hardwood leaves a lot to be desired. And who doesn’t have a vaulted, cross-beamed ceiling anymore? Uninspiring. Next.

8.  This Picture.

ENOUGH. This is not Castle Island, Dublin, Ireland.  This is the People’s Republic of Photoshop. Take it off your mailing list, update your database, stop calling.

9.  Completely Random Crap Nobody Possibly Cares About.

To illustrate this point I searched the following items: tire, shovel, dryer lint, dog poo. Did Pinterest disappoint? Never.

10.  I Just… Can’t.

Photo Dump

Once upon a time in 2007 I was walking down the street and discovered a hot dog laying discarded on the sidewalk.  No bun.  No hot dog accoutrements in sight.  Just… a lone frank.  I don’t know why things like this crack me up, but if I had to define my sense of humor with one example, it would be that I find things like hot dogs on the sidewalk to be massively lol-worthy.

I took a picture of it with my awesome Samsung flip phone and up it went on my old blog.  I marveled at my ability to capture this magical processed meat moment with cell phone camera technology, which if you recall was just starting to get decent at that point.  Today, I am no less in awe of this amazing novelty that allows you to document life’s small and hilarious moments as they happen.

So following in the proud footsteps of Hot Dog on H Street I bring you…. Pineapple Top at Metro Station:

On that same note, check out this purdy sky from last night…

US Air shuttle + moon…

Check out this sandwich special action from one of my lunch places…

Who wrote this sign? I want to high five them! Loving the exclamation point action… omg yes FRENCH ROLL I share your excitement! WOO!

I already “tweeted” this so sorry for the dup but wanted to make sure errrrryone saw this hot mess driving down the street.

Whatever… the other week the Occupy-ers blockaded our office building and we had to walk up a ramp in the loading dock in the pouring rain…. If you know how clumsy I am, you know how close I was that day to breaking a femur.  So the crazies from the other side can have their day too.  Sigh.

Did you think I’d go this whole time and not put up Chooch pictures?! PSSHH! Here he is loving the Yoga mat…

And performing a beautiful interpretation of a seated twist (with model for perspective)

Tax Dollars At Work

I was searching for a transcript at work today and stumbled on this gem.  James Madison with clocks and swirling cosmos.  Trippy.

I Freaking Love the Internet

Do not ask, but today I googled “Are Altoids bad for you?”.  A seemingly boring query which, once again, revealed to me new and unprecedented depths of the Splendorous Wonder That Is The Internet.  Because what did I turn up but some sketchy forum full of people legitimately addicted to Altoids. (Source) 

Here is our original poster…

Can I relate? No.  No sir.  No I cannot.  But I appreciate you “putting it out there.”  I like Altoids.  Altoids are my friend.  When I’m feeling a little stale in the pie hole? Altoids.  When I want a sweet fix that isn’t Hershey’s Assorted Miniatures (Family Val-U Size)? Altoids.  But… umm… wow.

Just set… them down… and walk… away? WOW insightful advice, dude.  THANK YOU.  Actually I’m with Altoids Girl Trish on this.  You know the Sex and the City where Miranda eats the brownies out of the trash and then has to pour detergent on them to stop? I wept and felt a little less alone in the world.

Now our girl is going to address this bad breath accusation…

LOL NO you guys she doesn’t have bad breath! Gawd what kind of person do you take her for? Homegirl, by my estimation you just ate 600 Altoids in 48 hours so I’d say you’d be lucky to have bad breath as your problem.  Also, you should probably withhold your judgment being someone seeking help from an internet forum about your debilitating breath mint addiction.

I’m also beginning to suspect this whole thing is a sham and these people are plants from Altoids corporate given the suspicious marketing buzz-phrases ”cold and refreshing feeling” line from the last person and the “cool, refreshing taste” from Trish.  Trish’s analysis also lends itself to a possible new slogan: “Altoids: come for the cool, refreshing taste.  Stay for the crunch”

No, I agree and actually do not believe there is anyone in the world who eats as many wintergreen Altoids than you.  6-12 cans.  Rock that minty shyste.

This is where I gain a great deal of respect for the medical professionals that have to listen to the insane problems of the world with straight faces.

Doctor: Any other questions you had today?
JanieTheresa: Well, yes.  Altoids.  I eat about 1-2 cans per day… and that’s limiting myself.
Doctor: Hmm yes Altoids yes.  Tell me more?
JanieTheresa: For me, I put about 4-5 Altoids in my mouth…
Doctor: Yes I see.
JanieTheresa: Crunch them up into small peices…
Doctor: Mm hmm crunch OK.
JanieTheresa: Swirl those peices around in my mouth…
Doctor: Yes yes.  And after the swirling?
JanieTheresa: and then swallow.
Doctor: CHHRRMPPHHH SNORFLE I mean, that’s very interesting.  Anything else?
JanieTheresa: Mmmmmm!

PSSHH get OUT… Insensitive troll…

Also did anyone else have a really inappropriate double take on “gentlearts”? Please don’t make me say it…

Let’s end on an uplifting note OK?!

FWD: TLC Production Department.

Photo Dump Potpourri

We haven’t been home all night due to visiting some visiting family in Maryland… including the newest addition, a wee one born just 2 months and 2 days ago on Christmas! It was our first time meeting him and I am in luuuurve.

So instead tonight I present you with: 1) this photo of a baby on rollerskates from a cooler at CVS…

2) this photo from Pinterest which I have been laughing at all day long…

Aaaaand 3) Jeff in a Rick Santorum sweater vest (do NOT ask)