BEND IT LIKE BECKER LIVES! Sorta. After I figured out WTF its URL even was at the moment, a little blipping heartbeat slowly returned to its monitor. REJOICE, INTERNET! This is the short story: I want to write again. I know what you’re saying: You’ve promised us that like 9725387 times and ghosted us like… Continue reading Rumors of this blog’s demise are greatly exaggerated
When we last left off, Nick ambushed the girls with a tearful speech questioning if this was all working for him. He meets Chris Harrison for some beachfront girl talk. Chris has some kind of unfortunate facial sunburn situation going on. Question: does Nick own any shorts or swim trunks that are cut at or… Continue reading Platinum Futures Take a Dip: The Bachelor Recap
We’re back from a To Be Continued cliff hanger. Taylor and her side boob are doing a swamp walk of shame to get a couple more words in with Nick. This is becoming a favorite fake plot twist in recent seasons. You know the producers are offering these poor rejected people bonuses or something to… Continue reading Like Open Your Eyeballs: The Bachelor Recap
I failed at a formal recap this week. I was putting together a ceiling fan while I was watching and my brain can only handle so much. (Read: very little.) Also, I thought it was a boring episode. Who wants to watch 2 hours of Corinne and Taylor fighting like felines? Obviously only people with… Continue reading Reader Advisory Survey: The Bachelor
This show is painful. I am literally Mother Teresa for enduring these two hours in the service of recap hilarity. #Hero #Literally Tonight we resume our journey at a Bachelor pool party. Apparently Corinne assaulted Nick in an inflatable bounce house? The girls fly into a collective rage. Vanessa confronts Nick and asks, “Are you… Continue reading Abraham Lincoln Took Naps: The Bachelor Recap
When we last left off, everyone was in crisis over the departure of Liz the promiscuous doula. Nick decides to “be real” with everyone or whatever, so he pulls everyone aside individually and has twelve different variations of the same conversation. You could make this part into a spin-off show called Nick’s Confessions: Deep Thoughts… Continue reading I Want it That Way, Raquel: The Bachelor Recap
Welcome back, sports fans! Take my hand and join me for another week of celebrating the depraved depths of the reality TV cesspool. Act 1: Group Date Several lucky floozies are off for a group date. They’ll all be donning bridal attire and staging fake wedding pictures. The girls arrive, all wearing denim shorts and an… Continue reading Franco’s Left Thigh: The Bachelor Recap, Week 2
