Monkey, Will You Accept This Rose: The Bachelor Recap, Penultimate Edition

Firstly, sorry that I slacked off and didn’t do a recap last week.  Four hours of Bachelor between Sunday and Monday was just inhumane.  I felt like I had completed an Iron Man of The Bachelor and I was just too emotionally exhausted to revisit all the painful moments again.  I was like collapsed at the finish line and never wanted to type the letters B-R-I-T-T ever again.  Also don’t Google the naughty Jade pictures.  I went straight to Google Images thinking it would be like tee hee here I am in a swimsuit and instead was like OHGODOHGODOHGOD *throws phone across room* *runs to the emergency eye wash station in the chem classroom*

So, here we are this week.  The description from Direct TV: Chris and the remaining three women travel to Bali for overnight dates; Chris has a meltdown about the upcoming elimination; the final two women are revealed. Let’s do this, big boy.

Act 1: Kaitlyn

Chris shows up for their date in jewel tones and white sneakers.  They walk around the local Bali scene acting like idiot Westerners.  They go to a monkey park.  Technically they’re macaques but much like my two-year-old, Chris’ zoological wheelhouse is probably restricted to farm animals. I smile happily when he gets attacked and peed on by one:

Kaitlyn is drawing some kind of analogy about how the monkeys’ zeal for bananas is like her own quest for love.  Monkey analogies like 5 minutes in and I’m expected to last another hour and fifty five minutes? No sir.  NO SIR.

We’ve made it to the first commercial break.  Would you like to date our next bachelor or bachelorette? No.

We’re back just in time for Chris n’ Kait’s awkward dinner date.  Chris says she is shaking just like she was earlier.  I love that these people in their bizarre universe are planning to be formally engaged next week yet still are shaking with nerves in each other’s presence? In a normal relationship this is when you could, like, fart in front of your partner and it would not be a thing.  I’m going to keep watching this horrible program until the first on-screen fart.  This is my solemn vow.

Anyway, Kaitlyn recites the usual script about she is falling in love but scared and vulnerable and BLAH BLAH really I’ve heard this exact set of buzzwords at this exact moment like 1,486 times in this show.  In a development shocking to no one– recall Kaitlyn made her national television debut with jokes about walrus/seal sex– she chooses to forgo her individual room to stay with Chris in the fantasy suite.

EWWWWWWWWW back to the emergency eye wash station

Act Two: Whitney

I have to say, Whitney the Fertility Muppet has totally won me over.  She’s mature, she’s articulate, she has a job requiring intelligence, she always looks cute in her bright colors.  I still think she comes across a little desperate but really there’s only so much you can expect from these broads.  Whitney runs up to Chris and embraces him with the Obligatory Bachelor Reunion Leg Wrap™. They are going on a date on a… pirate ship I guess that is? OK.  They cruise around a little and then– again, has happened approx. one billion times on this show– hold hands and plunge into the water.  Blah blah. Back on deck Whitney apologizes for her TOTAL JERK of a sister who wouldn’t give Chris her marriage blessing the first hour she met him while he was still dating three other chicks.  Trifling saboteur!

They head off for the awkward dinner component of the date.  Whitney assures Chris she is ready to dump her life/job to become Arlington, Iowa’s 401st citizen, adding if she moved she would be immediately “ready to have babies.”  A grin sweeps across Chris’ face in the biggest display of emotion I’ve seen from him yet this episode.  Hoo boy.  Chris Harrison’s pimp note arrives and Whitney too will be joining our resident randy farmer in the fantasy suite.  She has a bubble bath drawn too but it’s just, like, plain water without multi-tonal rose petals. WHAT? This is supposed to be a FANTASY SUITE, PEOPLE, not some kind of depressing lair of reality. Good LUCK you two.

Act Three: Becca

Oh man.  Becca makes me want to quit my job blogging about this stupid show.  She’s so effing boring to watch.  Like, the woman would be just about as good of a partner as like a garden hose or ficus plant or a pet fish.  Not like an interesting pet fish but like the weird vacuum fish that blended into everything and just slowly sucked the fungus off the bottom.  She has this horrible monotone, rarely makes facial expressions, and seems not happy about anything.  Even last week when Chris went to her house, her family basically described her as some kind of strange hermaphrodite who didn’t really seem attracted to other humans.  Despite the two of them having zero chemistry at all, Chris digs her.  I don’t get it.

Anyway, Becca shows up today in her best Umbra shorts.

They go to some kind of temple to visit the village medicine man.  The village children are sticking their heads above the wall laughing and snickering.  Kids I’m RIGHT there with you my little friends.  The rest is predictably boring and awkward.  Becca accepts the fantasy suite invitation but because she’s a virgin I guess the tub is filled with ice cubes or something.  Finally she tells Chris there’s “something she needs to share” with him, something that’s “a big deal”.  She then awkwardly pauses for a long time as she struggles to spit it out, and Chris is so nervous you can hear him panting like an injured mammal into his mic.  I do kind of feel for him in this moment because we all know what she’s going to say, but the way she is drawing this out he’s got to think it’s something REALLY bad or awkward.  Chris I don’t know how to tell you this but I had gender reassignment surgery two weeks ago and I’m not medically cleared for intercourse.  Chris I don’t know how to tell you this but I did ten years for racketeering, migrant smuggling, and theft of motor vehicles.  Chris I don’t know how to tell you this but I’m your biological mother. 

We’re now an hour and fifteen minutes in.  Stay strong, sisters, STAY STRONG!

Act Four: Rejection

Chris’ balcony reflections and therapy session with Chris lead us to believe that Becca, her tan lines, and Umbra shorts are toast.  Schweet! It’s time for the rose ceremony.  It’s at another temple thing and Chris n’ Chris are wearing some kind of ceremonial garb that looks more like Saturday Night Fever II: Indonesian Nights.

Chris calls Becca aside for a private chat and I’m giddy.  The moment must be here!  (“You’re out! Finished at Faber! Expelled!”) But, in a plot twist that I don’t understand, she talks her way back in.  It’s unclear if Chris just wanted to have one more conversation with her to decide, or if he was trying to dump her and she really did change his mind.  Regardless, I’m unhappy.  Kaitlyn instead is chosen to go home.  Chris’ last gesture of chivalry is pulling open the sliding minivan door for her.  LOL.  Walruses worldwide honor her with a moment of silence.

Join me next week when all our favorite floozies reunite for the Women Tell All special!

Two Girls, One Cabana: The Bachelor Recap, Week 6

Act 1: Back on the Floor with Kelsey

When we last left off, Kelsey was having some kind of faux-mergency on some floor.  We resume our enjoyment of this.  Some Australian EMT is attending to her.  Like eleven seconds later she’s made a full recovery; she’s sitting up with an oxygen mask and back to stressing out about roses.  These women.  No words.  At any rate, it’s clear Kelsey has assumed the role of Chief Nutterbutter In Residence.

The girls are back to being upset about not having a cocktail hour.   Ashley I. blubbers, as Ashley I. will do.  Now we’re at the rose ceremony we were deprived of last week.  Does anyone see Jade shivering behind Kelsey? Going home are Samantha, no idea who this person is, and Mackenzie, mother to Kale and hero to alien abduction believers everywhere.  I accept the unfortunate reality that Kelsey and Ashley I. will remain a part of my life for at least one hundred twenty more minutes.

Act 2: Floozies Do Deadwood

The entourage packs up and heads for the Black Hills of South Dakota.  What the heck is going on with the travel schedule this year? Normally this is when they’d be in Bali or Prague or something.  Have there been Bachelor budget cuts? Hey whatever happened to that sponsorship with Suave where past Bachelorettes would appear in those ads getting their hair done and reading those awful scripts? Those were great!

Anyway, first things first, let’s all watch Chris wander around this new city and offer his expert insight.  He struts down the street and says he feels like a “tough guy” here in Deadwood.  Chea mmm hmm. Not twenty seconds later (literally) we see him in this state:

Wow.  Much tough.  So vintage bubble bath.  Wow.

Act 3: Becca’s Date

Becca, 25, chiropractic assistant, also a virgin apparently, is going on the week’s one-one-one date.  It’s so boring.  The only things she has going for her is that she’s super hot, dresses tastefully, and isn’t wholly repulsive.  That’s our standard for success on this show.  If you can manage to not be a wholly repulsive human being, then you have an edge on half the contestants. Sad.

Here is her promo from ABC to tell you what kind of intellectual capacity we’re working with here:

Meredith Grey.  Mmm hmm.  U R deep.

So blah blah they ride around on horses.  The saddles conveniently have little cameras affixed to them.  Later they sit by a campfire and roast vegetable kabobs.  Interesting culinary choice, producers.  HR Rep Chris is back asking about 5 year plans.  Becca says she want 5 kids.  LOLZ.  Becca, start with one and see if you’re still prancing around in those skinny jeans and booties and effortless beach waves.  I do get a lot of pleasure fast forwarding 10 years to Becca on the farm with 5 kids: JAYDEN JOLEEN JUNIE GET YERSELVES OUTTA BED! Them there cows ain’t gonna milk theySELVES!!! Jasper and Jayson git on up to the hen house and check the girls for impacted eggs! YA HEARD YER MAMA NOW GEET! [spits some Skoal] [scratches right butt cheek] [breaks neck of chicken to cook for breakfast]

Act 3: Group Date

About 6 girls show up for the group date and we find out they’re going to be writing and performing their own original country songs.  Celebrity mentors are Big and Rich.  This could be good.

They sit in a bar together and everyone sips beer and writes their songs in little notebooks.  Jade is having some kind of meltdown about how difficult this is.  She’s near tears.  This chick has zero ability to overcome life adversity.  Come to think of it, I think this is the person who told the story on the first night about how she cried about having difficulty finding a parking spot.  How is she still around?  Jade, dude, how difficult is this task? I will do it for you.  This goes to the tune of Bingo:

There was a farmer who had a dog and Chris-o was his name-o
B-I-N-YOU-SUCK-O

Not so hard.  Next it’s time to hear the finished products performed.  Most of the girls take it too seriously and it’s uncomfortable to watch.  Carly is the only one with maybe enough talent (remember her occupation is cruise ship singer) to justify taking it seriously.  Happily it’s over and they all retreat to have cocktails together.

This part is always so boring.  Intrigue is added this time because Chris whisks away Britt (for an hour, we later find out) to go see Big and/or Rich perform, and to receive a rose in the process.  We notice Britt is wearing glittery leggings with giant holes in the thighs.  Good life choices as always.  When they return, the rest of the chicks are ragey at having been abandoned for so long.  Kind of understandable.  Chris is basically like, SORRS DEAL WITH IT and bounces.  I’m actually starting to think this guy’s kind of a douchebag.  A douchebag in sheep’s clothing.  What’s my farm pun count so far? Like 6? I’ll stop when I get to 80.

Act 4: The Main Event

Here comes the best part of the night.  We find out Ashley I. and Kelsey will be battling to the death in a two-on-one date.  For those unfamiliar with the show, two-on-one dates are Bachelor gold.  The dude takes two contestants out and eliminates one at the end of the night.  The upside of this is that we know one of these horrid women will be leaving us tonight. The downside is that we know one will be staying.  OR WILL THEY?

The girls and Chris fly in a helicopter to, I don’t know, like a stretch of desert plains or something.  It’s kind of creepy.  But it’s OK because there’s this awkward cabana waiting for them:

The rest of this plays out as expected.  Ashley throws Kelsey under the bus to Chris, Chris calls out Kelsey and throws Ashley under the bus, Ashley and Kelsey have a cat fight (“You and I both have our Masters and I have it from a good place.” –Ashley), and Ashley cries.  As Ashley is crying to Chris, he stops her and tells her he doesn’t see a future and she’s headed home.  Ashley goes out as expected, in a blaze of continued hysterics and stomping.

Here’s where it gets amazing.  Chris goes back to the Awkward Cabana and tells Kelsey that Ashley went home.  She assumes this means she has claimed victory.  Just as her crazy manipulative self reaches fever pitch (“Oh I’m sorry.  That’s hard.  That’s a loss.”) Chris tells her that– GLORY GLORY HALLELUJAH!– she too is toast!

Now we witness possibly the most baller exit ever.  He leaves the two of them stranded in the desert to (presumably?) be picked up by some kind of ground vehicle, while he himself gets back into the helicopter.  Gets back into the helicopter WITH the unclaimed rose sitting next to him.  I have no words except HAHAHAHAHA OMG

OK, Kelsey is evil and nuts, but I do feel a little bad that she’s at home watching this part.  When the girls back at the hotel find out Kelsey is going home, they explode with joy.  “LET’S GET DRUNK!”–Kaitlyn

Apparently next week is a two-day “television event” starting on Sunday.  I don’t know if I can stomach two nights of this.  Can I take a personal day?

Alligators, Dead Bodies, Who Knows: The Bachelor Recap, Week 5

Pour yourselves a glass of something strong cause the season is about to EXPLODE, Chris Harrison tells us.  Having just barely emerged on the other end without barfing up my dinner, I can confirm that it did indeed explode.  With about 800,000 joules worth of awkward and painful.

This week’s destination is Santa Fe.  “I’ve never been out of the country!” remarks Megan the makeup artist.

Act 1: Carly’s Date

Carly, the cruise ship singer who is somehow still here, is going with Chris to visit Tziporah Kingsbury, a love and intimacy mentor.  Excuse me I’m sorry I have to put that in mocking quotes.  I HAVE to or I won’t be able to sleep tonight.  “Love and intimacy mentor”.  Ahh that’s better thank you.  Let me first skip ahead and say if you haven’t watched the episode yet, you’ll want to just go ahead and fast forward this ENTIRE part.  Trust.

There’s lots of breathing, vocalizing, and generalized kookiness.  Things really start to get uncomfortable when Carly is instructed by Teriyaki  to blindfold Chris.  Then Carly’s told to, I don’t know, “explore their sensuality” or something by feeding him random fruit and nuts like some kind of poor pet parrot.

Do you remember when contestant Megan tried a much more hastily prepared and presented version of this earlier in the season? It’s at least less painful to watch than that was.

The fact that there’s enough blindfolded fruit eating sessions that we can compare them speaks to the degradation of this program.

Next Tzatziki puts them into this arrangement:

Want to fast forward want to fast forward want to fast forward want to fast forward want to fast forward

Next she has them ceremoniously strip layers of clothing to symbolize removing the masks that keep us from intimacy.

HEY CARLY, SO ARE WE. –AMERICA

Finally– FINALLY– this segment ends.  The torment is lifted and we rejoice with sweet relief.  Carly n’ Chris go off and have dinner together.  She’s not horrible but she’s not my favorite.  On her offstage interviews she is crying with joy and saying how after all these years she’s finally in a “reciprocated relationship” and I feel like crying for her, but probably more like in the sad kind of way.

Act 2: Group Date and Related Nonsense 

A bunch of chicks are going white water rafting on the Rio Grande.  Megan, makeup artist but maybe less of a geography scholar, is concerned about what could be in the water: “alligators, dead bodies… who knows!”.  The girls get into the boats and blah blah they go on like a 30 second ride.  Jade is thrown from the boat and then once back ashore, confides that she has a medical condition making her extremities ultra-sensitive to cold and prone to immediate hypothermia.  No really this is a thing I stumbled on this Wikipedia page once.  Two separate girls allege she is faking it to get Chris attention.   Is there one person in this entire group who doesn’t have a heart made of bituminous coal, hard liquor, and eyelash glue? I think the answer is no.

After rafting they settle in for a group cocktail hour together.  Another Obligatory Bachelor Plot Twist is unveiled– we find out Jordan, the drunk twerking “student” eliminated on week 2, is back to beg for a second chance.  She bumbles her way through some degrading speech but Air Supply can summarize it just as well: Here I am/the one that you love/askin’ for another day.  Because Chris has a spine made of straw or hay or chicken feathers or some other soft thing you’d find on a farm, he says yes and invites her to join them for cocktails.  The girls have a collective conniption and one by one complain to Chris about how unfair it is, but add that they love him and are here for him and support him no matter what and love him, and nothing is changed about each of their desires to marry him at this exact second.  Ultimately Chris sees the error in his ways and decides to send Jordan on the road home.  She sobs and tells the camera it’s going to be a long drive back to Colorado tomorrow.  Girl, I’m sure there’s a Hardee’s on the way.  Put on some Taytay and let the pain wash through you with each french fry.

Act 3: Britt’s Date

Britt has been awarded the next one on one date, with an invitation that reads, Britt: The sky’s the limit! Love, Chris [heart dotting the i].  I think it was Ben Franklin or maybe Tony Danza who said the only certain things in life are death, taxes, Bachelor dates involving heights, and Bachelor contestants crying about how afraid of heights they are.  Take your cue, Britty…

She is freaking out and crying and saying that no, this isn’t just your normal heights aversion, it’s LITERALLY A PHOBIA.

The next day Chris comes into her room at 4:30 a.m. to surprise her and whisk her away for the date.  Britt is sleeping with full makeup on including bright magenta lipstick.  I have no words.  I guess she is mortified by the idea of the cameras catching her without makeup, but I think it’s about 1 kerjillion times more embarrassing to show the world how pathologically insecure you are that you’re fast asleep with a full face of makeup.  Contestant Carly confirms that Britt puts makeup on before she goes to bed “just in case.”  This chick is ill.  Chris remarks– his actual words– that she looks “just as beautiful first thing in the morning as she does all dolled up for a rose ceremony.  It’s incredible.”  No, it’s not incredible you idiot, it’s the work of several chemical compounds.

Off they go and Britt finds out they are going on a hot air balloon ride.  She says she was all scared going into this– LITERALLY A PHOBIA– but with Chris holding her hand, she feels all happy and warm and fuzzy and suddenly she’s not even bothered.  This is an abrupt recovery from her literally a phobia.  It’s a shame that scientists have squandered all these years developing treatments for phobias when a miraculous, phobia-curing farmer walked among us this whole time.
After they make out on the balloon for a while they go back to Chris’ room, make out some more, and Chris closes the door on the cameras.  Later Britt shares her account with the girls and reports they just ordered room service and “took a nap for like two hours.”  Ewwwwwwww.

Act 4: The Rose Ceremony That Never Was

Do we all remember Kelsey? She hasn’t gotten a ton of screen time beyond the first episode.  She was previously married but her husband passed away in May 2013.  She is worked up she hasn’t gotten the chance to tell Chris this intimate detail, and she barges into his hotel suite unexpectedly to do so.  Everything seems to go well, they make out, she says how the moment leading up to the kiss has been “building for weeks” and that they “just collide.”  Actually the two of them could not have less chemistry.  It’s painful.

Now, here’s where a scary transformation begins to unfold. I’ve always really liked Kelsey, but now a side-eye is starting to slowly appear on my face.  The girl is going from zero to NUTBUCKET at a remarkable pace.  She’s talking to the cameras offstage with this crazed, glassy look and saying “Isn’t my story amazing? Tragic, yes, but amazing.  I love my story.”  She says how privileged we all are that we get to watch her magnificent story.

OK, now– NOT TO JUDGE A PERSON’S GRIEF– but in discussions with my text advisory panel, there was agreement that this was an extremely creepy choice of words and demeanor.  Yes, there are gifts and growth that come from tragedy, but who uses the word “amazing” to describe losing their husband? Who says they “love” it? I sent out the same emoji like 20 times between right now and the end of the episode– the blue guy with the dropped jaw and the scared bead of sweat– so you’ll just imagine like 100 of those lined up and that’s the extent of my commentary.

Back at the house, Chris greets the girls for what would be the beginning of the cocktail hour.  Before he can get many words out, he starts crying and has to leave.  No joke.  This guy has been spending too many time with these insane floozies.  It’s like his moon cycle is beginning to sync itself with theirs. Life Counselor Chris Harrison comes to talk him down.

Before he left in tears, Chris had indirectly revealed that Kelsey paid an illegal visit to him that day.  Ashley I, who I’ve noticed flies into rages pretty easily, is summarily enraged by this.  “She had private time when I’ve not had any private time yet!” Umm, Ashley, what about the time when you barged into Chris’ tent in the middle of the night like a Grizzly in heat? I’m really starting to despise her.  I would almost rather have Ashley S. back than have to tolerate another week of Ashley I.  She’s insufferable.

Next, Chris Harrison goes back to the girls and reveals that there will be no cocktails, Chris’ mind is made up and they’ll go right to the ceremony.  This always sends the girls into a tizzy, as it means they’re deprived of one last Hail Mary opportunity to prove their love by physically thrusting themselves upon his person.

Next, we’re up to the moment they’ve been pimping all night in the previews, where we find that the news has sent Kelsey into such a downward spiral that she’s passed out on the floor making strange blubbering sounds and EMTs have come to attend to her. Between blubbers she says she’s just having a panic attack.  As the EMTs assess her, I’m thinking an efficient system for the future would be like some kind of Bachelor emergency alarm, or maybe like a Batman-esque light that’s projected into the sky (in the likeness of a rose of course).  And Chris Harrison would be all quick, to the emergency bunker! and conveniently furnish a dart gun full of Haloperidol.  Jeff is next to me pointing out that if they were to simply wave a rose in front of her face, she’d probably pop up immediately.

At any rate, we quickly cut to a To Be Continued and I guess we have to wait seven (7) more days to find out which floozies are going home.  This is not fair.  I sat through nasty chocolate strawberry feedings with the understanding I would be rewarded at the end with 1-2 individuals I’d never have to see again.  I DO NOT ACCEPT THIS ROSE.

I Hope That Resonates Within Your Mind Tonight: The Bachelor Recap, Week 4

We resume our collective Journey for Love© back at the mansion, where the girls are relaxing in sweatpants and awaiting Chris Harrison’s weekly update.  Chris makes his entrance and we find out this week’s plot twist is that Bachelor Chris’ three sisters have flown all the way in from AIIIIIIIIIIIWUHH and will be making the choice as to which floozie gets to go on the week’s only one-on-one date.

But first, our first group date…

Act 1: Lake Floozie

Sevnish girls load up in beachwear and drive off to a TBD surprise location.  They arrive and find out they’re at a lake.  Ashley I, the virgin non-journalist you hopefully remember, is a sight.  Her face contains about nine (9) ounces of makeup right now.  She’s dressed in a USA bikini and high-waisted, stone wash denim cutoffs.  ATTRACTIVE.  Looks like she was pulled from production of Behind the Belt: The Women of the WWF.

The girls splash in the lake blah blah.  Ashley I, virgin madonna, is taking her top off and jumping in the water while– simultaneously– literally– telling us in a voice over how shy she is and how hard it is for her to come out of her shell.  Kaitlyn one ups her by taking off her bottoms.  We’re off to a great start here.

Meanwhile, back at the house…

It’s like 2 in the afternoon and the girls have poured themselves glasses of wine and are busy chatting and filing their nails. Jillian is passed out face down at the pool with her trusty black box over her bottom.  The girls are chattering about when the sisters might arrive– “It could be any minute, we don’t know!”– when– WHAT DO YOU KNOW– the sisters ding dong the doorbell.

The sisters start conducting panel interviews with the five or so girls remaining at the house to figure out who will be awarded the date.  The girls are so nervous I actually do feel a little bad for them.  You can see Becca’s chest heaving up and down with nerves.  The sisters ask contestant Jade what she does, and Jade tells them she is a “model for like a website of clothing” but then says she has launched an organic makeup business.  I think this is actually pretty cool! Her tagline in her caption describes her as a “cosmetic developer” which I always thought meant, I don’t know, Mary Kay saleswoman… I wish she would have rocked “small business owner” or something instead.

The sisters enter executive session.  The girls are busy steaming artichokes when a card arrives with the sisters’ decision.  We find out it will indeed be Jade, cosmetic entrepreneur/model for like a website of clothing, who is going on a special CInderella-themed date with Chris.  “I’m ready to be a princess,” she says.  Knock yoself out kid.

One more trip back to the lake…

We find out we’re in for a long night ahead because the girls and Chris will be camping overnight at the lake.  First they have to put tents together, it’s a riot.  Go go bimbo engineers! By now night has fallen on a full moon, the campfire is raging, the tequila is flowing, and Ashley S. is doing some kind of tribal song.  Mackenzie is BACK on the subject of aliens and pondering what a great abduction site they’re at.

Ashley S. goes off with Chris and, I don’t know, the woman is not well.  I almost feel uncomfortable for being so entertained by her.  She is just kind of mumbling crazy things and I really appreciate that ABC has subtitled some of it this week…

The Ashleys switch, and Ashley I. goes off with Chris and blurts out assorted incoherencies. She had one great remark, and I spent like 10 minutes rewinding the DVR to make sure I transcribed this for you all with perfection:

You don’t even understand.  I don’t like guys very easily.  But like I have a freaking crush on you.  It’s like the second you come into the room I feel like I’m like in middle school and I like have a unibrow and a lunch box in my hand and I’m like oh my god, I was like, ooo like there’s a guy, like oh my god, but I feel like everything that’s going to come out of my mouth is like dumb and I’m shy… seriously like you don’t even know.

Umm, Ashley? Your fears about saying dumb things? It’s not entirely unfounded.  A bit later, she decides she really wants to tell Chris about being a virgin.  By now everyone has retreated to their tents and poor Chris is SLEEPING when she charges his tent like the effing Bastille and just starts yammering really vaguely.  The closest she gets to the point is saying she’s “inexperienced in every way possible.”  Ashley tells us in her offstage interview, “I feel really good.  His face seemed to me to make it seem like he got it.”  Chris tells us in his offstage interview, “I have no idea what she’s saying right now.”  LOL.  Ashley continues to tell us in a voice over that she’s “not a hookup girl” while this simultaneously appears on our screens:

This dame is full of paradoxes.

Act 2: Jade’s Date

We’re back at the house and we find out a “fairy godmother” is coming over to help Jade pick out outfits and jewelry and whatever for her Cinderella date.  In a Disney film, this is where a woodland creature with doe eyes would whistle a happy tune and lovingly tie your hair back with a ribbon, but this is The Bachelor so they sent this:

Jade goes off in a limo and we cut to Chris, who is excitedly waiting in a tuxedo to see who his sisters chose for him to go to the royal ball with or whatever.  Did I mention, this whole thing is acting as free promo for some new ABC Cinderella movie.  Chris says, “Tonight I’m a prince and I’m looking for my Cinderella.”  Chris, let me fix this for you: “Tonight I’m a paid employee of the American Broadcasting Company and I’m reading this off a cue card right now.”

Jade makes the obligatory grand, dramatic descent down the stairs as Chris waits at the bottom:

He’s smiling on the outside but inside you know he’s like, wait what’s your name again?

They go in and have dinner blah blah boring conversation.  There is actually an ice sculpture in the shape of a glass slipper.  I barfed up a little of the Chipotle burrito bol I just ate.

Back at the house, Ashley I. is acting INSANE levels of crazy and desperate.  Watch this show enough and you will become pretty steeled when it comes to displays of crazy/desperate, so this is bad.  She wishes she had tonight’s date so badly that she puts on full makeup and a gown she “specifically brought for a princess-themed date.”  She pours herself a drink and goes to console herself with corn on the cob.  There’s a farm joke here somewhere.  Searching… searching… searching… Like she’s saying, WHY BUY THE FARMER WHEN YOU CAN GET THE CORN FOR FREE! Meh I’ll just let this image speak for itself:

And oh my God what is that on the lower edge of the screen, like a sad, wilted rose? I think this is what my high school English teacher called SYMBOLIC IMAGERY bahahahaha I didn’t even notice it till now.

Act 3: Group Date That Ends in a Spectacular Way

Five or so other girls dress up in wedding gowns and go to do a muddy obstacle course thing.  Jillian, Crossfit bimbo, takes it really seriously and wins.  She states, “Apparently no one is competition for me.  They should’ve stayed on the plane, enjoyed the plane ride and the free SNACKS, it’s going to be the highlight of their day.  Without them I wouldn’t have looked so good so I’m not complaining.”  Jaw drop! She really did emphasize “snacks” in the most obnoxious way possible.  She is the worst.  JILLIAN YOU TRIPPED ON A RUG LIKE AN IDIOT.  NEVER FORGET.

Jillian is rewarded by getting to split off with Chris for a one-on-one date.  This is where things take a turn for the spectacular.  When Chris asks where she sees herself in five years, she basically says she doesn’t know and doesn’t believe in planning.  Which, admittedly, is a nice departure from: WHY, IN IOWA, BEARING YOUR CHILDREN AND FEEDING YOU FORKFULS OF CHERRY PIE, MY DESIROUS PET. Chris asks her other stuff and all Jillian wants to talk about is her fitness hobby and how in shape and fabulous and superior she is.  When it comes time to decide if she’ll receive a rose, he starts his usual monologue of platitudes to her, but as soon as that “but” escapes his lips I’m pumping my fist up in the air because he’s now telling her it’s not going to work, and she’s getting on the Airport Van of Rejection!

Awwwwwww boohoo boohoo boohoo someone got weejected by the bacheworrr WELL YOU CAN SUCK IT. I hope your kettle ball keeps you warm at night.

Act 4: Cocktail Party and Rose Time

We’re back to Ashley I. and her little virginity crisis.  She is freaking out because she’s sure she “clarified” to Chris that she was a virgin, but now she’s not sure he got it.  Ermm, Ashley, I would not say you clarified.  If you recall, you told Chris you were “inexperienced in every way possible.”  And when we’re talking about every way, that casts a pretty wide net.  We could take this to mean:

• You are inexperienced playing the tuba
• You are inexperienced installing industrial HVAC systems
• You are inexperienced performing laparoscopic ventral hernia repair

You get the idea.  I don’t even understand why she feels it so necessary to go into this right now.  There’s like 12 girls still here and HELLO, do you not watch this show, nobody gets to home base until there’s three left.  Unless you’re Juan Pablo and get things started earlier (ayeayeaye).  Carly quips hilariously, “I actually did not know that Ashley was a virgin, because I’ve seen her making out with Chris like thirteen thousand times.  Her mouth is not a virgin.”  ZING! Maybe I like Carly after all.

Time for the roses.  Ashley S. goes home (yay!), so does Juelia (daww… I liked her), and some NFL cheerleader Nikki who I didn’t realize was still here.  Good game, good game.

On the Topic of Jillian’s Buttocks: The Bachelor Recap, Week 3

Oops, 24 hours late this week! News producer Jillian would be quick to point out that the story has probably passed me by.  My only excuse was that I thought this week was pretty much a snoozefest so I didn’t even end up with much in my snark notebook.  And now I have the added problem of my scrawled notes making less sense 24 hours later.  It’s making me recall fondly my workin’ days– I used to sometimes have to take minutes for meetings and calls and whatever. I noticed that if I walked back to my desk and immediately typed the handwritten notes, everything was so fresh in my mind that I could recall the entire meeting with precision.  Steve provided an update for PCBAs, indicating they had reached final negotiations with several vendors and that the outsourcing projects were on target.  They have put out RFQs for other BUs within CAS and should have an update between October 5-12.  But more often that not I’d put it off, as is my way, and by the time I sat down to do it nothing made any sense and my memory was gone.  UHHHHHHHHH Hi.  So.  Here’s what I know.  This person and maybe like twelveish other people came here last Wednesday I think it was.  Words were exchanged, as I recall.  Maybe like a Powerpoint or something? Unclear.  I remember a platter of sandwiches.  THANK YOU MEETING ADJOURNED RESPECTFULLY SUBMITTED XOXOXO SARAH

Nevertheless– Open the snark floodgates!

Preface: How is Ashley S. Still Here

I’m giving this two weeks and then hurling the TV into the closest river if this woman is still around.  This week she seems to have cut herself some bangs, which I guess you can DIY when you’re a hairdresser as she is.  But WTF purpose does she think this serves, like it buys her a new identity and we forget everything we’ve witnessed? Like, she is Harrison Ford in The Fugitive? WE KNOW IT’S YOU ASHLEY.

Also FYI: Jimmy Kimmel is guest starring as the host this week.

Act 1: Kaitlyn’s Date

Hopefully we all remember Kaitlyn.  She’s the one whose first utterance to Chris was that he could “plow the [bleep] out of my field anytime”.  kL@s$y.  Kaitlyn’s outfit for her big date night: high-waisted sweat pants, ivory sports bra, Brawny man shirt.  Sure go with it.  Kaitlyn and Chris leave in the limousine, drink champagne, and chatter happily about what exotic destination they are likely off to. They keep going on about the “high ceilings” given as a clue in the date card.  What’s funny is the date card said “vaulted ceilings” but four letters is just a little more intellectually manageable for this crew.

Kaitlyn and Chris cannot hide the disgust and devastation on their faces when they find out they have been taken to Costco to buy provisions for a dinner with Jimmy Kimmel that night.  No joke they are really worked up they have to live like the rest of us for an hour.  Thank God there camera crew will be there to follow them around lest others confuse them for regular folks and not *~*ReALiTy TeLLYviSioN SuPaHsTahS*~*.  They mill around Costco acting like idiots and it’s boring.  Chris describes the date as “weird” and “not the most ideal”, but indicates they “made the best of it” while adding he “doesn’t know many girls who could handle a date like this.”  Wow, she “handled” walking around Costco for sixty minutes.  That’s the kind of natural talent you don’t see every day.

OK now they’re back at some random patio for the dinner with Jimmy Kimmel.  Insipid conversation is exchanged.  Chris is supposed to be grilling but it’s just like a George Foreman with a to-go tin full of chicken wings or something (?)

Date ends like most The Bachelor dates, with Kaitlyn and Chris making out in a hot tub with their respective glasses of liquor flanking them.  Your parents are proud.

Act 2: Farm-themed Group Date

Well it was only a matter of time before the farm-themed date happened.  The girls assemble and are made to run through an obstacle course involving corn husking, goat milking, pig wrestling, and tearing through a chicken coop to find hidden eggs.  The stuff involving the animals makes me ragey because these girls are CRAZED and are showing no gentleness to these poor animals.

Jillian, for the second time this episode and I believe third time this season, is wearing bottoms yet has a black censor box over her butt.  She is horrid.

Carly the cruise ship singer, who I also can’t believe is still here, wins.  She too is horrid.  Her maturity level is consistent with that of an 11-year-old.  As part of her victory package, she and Chris dress up to recreate the American Gothic painting.  Jimmy asks if they know what the painting is and I wish Chris hadn’t rushed in with the answer, because I would have loved to see Carly here…

The guy from the salad dressing? Something Newman?
No.
Wait wait wait I know… Dwight Eisenhower.
No.
Vin Diesel in like a Civil War movie or something?
Just take your rose and see yourself out.

The girls and Chris retreat for a group cocktail party.  More insipidness ensues.  The girls take turns hurling themselves at him.  Very uncomfortable to watch.  Very boring.

Anyone catch this terrifying facial expression by Makenzie though?

Yikes. Moving along…

Act 3: Whitney’s Date

Ahh, back with Whitney the fertility muppet, who WEEPS when she finds out she’s going on the next date.  Doesn’t seem like something that a desperate nutter butter would do.  Nope not at all.  Whitney is OK… style is decent (comparatively), maturity level seems fair (comparatively).  I can’t get over the voice though.  They go to, I don’t know, some dumb vineyard.  They decide to crash a wedding going on at the vineyard thing. I hope the producers gave this poor couple some kind of monetary reparation for letting this train wreck of a show into their wedding reception.  Since people recognize Chris they decide to lie and say filming is over and they’re engaged.  UMM…. yea… ZERO chance Whitney is crazy enough to actually continue to think of this as her reality.  Whitney says something like, “Imagine we do get engaged at the end of this, our first date will always be how we pretended to be engaged! Wouldn’t that be crazy! We’ll laugh about it forever LOL!” See, it’s starting already.  FARMER CHRIS, RUN.  Or leave on a tractor or a cantering horse or something agriculturey but GO DUDE.

Whitney closes by saying it’s “the beginning of a journey that will last a long time… a lifetime.”  Errrrrm yea or like 2-4 more weeks if you’re lucky.  Sorry.

Act 4: Pool Party and Rose Ceremony

Jimmy informs the girls that instead of the usual cocktail reception, they’ll do a pool party.  Ashley I, the eHow contributor and alleged virgin you may remember from last week, is distraught.  “I was so excited to do like my Kardashian look tonight, but I now I just have to look…” Words leave her and she trails off with frustrated eye rolls and hand gestures. EVERYONE PLEASE PRAY FOR HER.

The rest of the cocktail hour plays out amusingly.  Jillian, news producer/Crossfit idiot/rug tripper/she of the unclothed buttocks, plays the role of the cocktail party bully.  She holds Chris captive in a hot tub and won’t let other chicks approach them.  Ashley I. is more angered by this than her missed opportunity to try her Kardashian look.  She stomps away, is sobbing in her bikini, drops her cup, wildly spews nonsense to the camera… girl is a hot mess.  My little Direct TV descriptive blurb for this episode says “A bachelorette has a meltdown” so I think we’re up to that part.

“I don’t know I just feel like I was supposed to…”

CHHHRRRRRMMMPPHHHH [crying girl deep snotty inhale]

“I would have done… what…….” [collapses into hysterics]

Now… can I touch on this for a moment? As much as it pains me to analyze the juvenile back-and-forth between these morons, Jillian was being a jerk and I couldn’t believe Chris didn’t try to be a fair mediator.  He hasn’t spoken up during similar past scenarios either.  The dude needs to take some charge here.  Doesn’t he manage livestock for a living?

Off to the rose ceremony.  The rest of the people who haven’t picked up much screen time are going home.  I like this part of the season where we know everyone pretty well.

Jimmy does a pretend ride in the Airport Van of Rejection and mocks the women hilariously.  This part made it all worth it. See you next week, hopefully on time!

Insert Your Own Farm Pun Here, I’m Already Over It: The Bachelor Recap Week 2

Act 1: Kimberly Redux

For those not familiar with the show, here’s how it works when a chick gets kicked off.  Chris Harrison breaks the news that all the roses are done givin’ out, and the rejected chicks should “take a moment and say their goodbyes.”  They give The Bachelor a sad hug, get into a sad van with a camera waiting inside, and sob about their misfortune on the drive back to the airport.  When we last left off on week 1, rejected contestant Kimberly, yoga instructor, was eschewing the usual way of things and stomping back to the house to beg for a second chance.  #dignity.

So, Kimberly goes back into the house and pulls Bachelor Chris aside to tearfully beg for a second chance.  Chris is looking all kinds of awkward about this.  My husband Jeff, a not-so-closeted fan of the show, astutely points out that this is where Juan Pablo would let out an “aye aye aye.”  Very true observation.  Astoundingly, Chris gives in to the crying and begging and lets her stay.  I have a lot of fun analyzing the political strategy of this show and this is a dangerous precedent to have established.  Now every rejected bimbo is going to think they can pull this stunt.  I hope the producers hire some extra bouncers because those girls are going to be kicking and screaming their way into the Airport Van of Rejection from here on out.  Oh my God it’s going to be like effing Crocodile Hunter alligator wrestling trying to shove them in there.  I predict lots of blurred crotches.

Act 2: Group Date 1

A bunch of chicks go on a group date.  Starts with a Bachelor staple, the pool party.  Chicks ride around on Chris’s shoulders blah blah.  No one will stick their head under and wreck their hair and make up.  They are so secure about themselves.  Blah blah boring.

Meanwhile, back at the house, two of the chicks go over to look inside the house Chris is staying in.  Jillian the news producer is wearing bikini bottoms yet has a black censor box on her front and back.  That is impressive.  Not sure what she paid for those bikini bottoms but she’s not getting a good bang for her buck.  The other chick with her, I don’t know one of the blond ones, puts on Chris’ motorcycle helmet and is deliberately ramming her head into the fridge and assorted walls.  NOT A JOKE.  LOOK.

These chicks, I swear.  They make the job of a satirist remarkably easy.

Meanwhile, back at the boring date, they’re up to the next activity: a tractor race.  The producers have set some kind of speed restriction on the tractors so they are going, like, slower than a person would jog.  This is a wise decision given the general intelligence level of this group.  Ashley I, freelance journalist, wins.  I think her definition for freelance journalist is she wrote like two articles for eHow.com, probably “How to make chocolate milk” and “How to do palm readings on cats.”

Despite Ashley’s victory, it’s dental assistant/Kale’s mom Makenzie who is chosen to split off for the one-on-one part of the date.

Act 2B: Makenzie’s Date 

They go off for drinks at, what is that, like Lone Star Steakhouse? I don’t know.  Makenzie isn’t totally terrible, but she’s also 21 and doesn’t have a lot of depth or conversational ability.  Some actual quotes from her:

“I’m like super observant”

“You have such a perfect like good nose it’s like perfect.”

“Do you believe in aliens?”

Chris admits to detecting “red flags” but decides she will get a rose and thus stick around til next week.

We cut back to the group date girls who are all feeling sad they didn’t get chosen to go off with Chris.  Whitney the fertility muppet actually seems like Marie Curie compared to Makenzie.  It’s refreshing to hear a few full, coherent sentences.

Act 3: Megan’s One-on-One Date

Megan, makeup artist, is chosen for the next date.  They do another Bachelor staple, the flight in the helicopter/small airplane to some romantic vista somewhere.  In this case, the Grand Canyon.  Jealous.  Megan doesn’t bother me a lot, I like her earrings and her choice of color to wear, and she seems like an adult.  It’s nice that she just walks onto the airplane and the helicopter like a normal human without having a panic attack and blubbering into the camera about how afraid she is and how much she hates heights.  I swear every girl does that and it’s supposed to make them adorable and get them comfort snuggles from the Bachelor, I guess? It just makes them look like six-year-olds to me, but whatever.

Captions help us hear her deep thoughts:

She keeps repeating this for the next 70 seconds.  Once they get to their little picnic area, she tells a heartbreaking story about her Dad’s death, so I will stop snarking now.  She’s awarded a rose so will stick around for next week too.

Act 4: Group Date 2

Back at home, an envelope arrives listing the participants for the next group date.   Describes Amber, bartender, “My heart literally pumps every time I see one of those white envelopes.”  I hope it does, Amber.  Overuse of “literally” is an all-out epidemic among the contestants, but I’ve noticed Amber’s case is especially unfortunate.

The girls load into the limos and we find out their date is a zombie-themed paintball fight. OK.  The girls don’t know this yet; they arrive in the dark and the zombie actors are scaring them by popping up to the limo’s windows.  The girls are freaking the eff out, screaming, scrambling away from the windows and clutching each other– all while still enclosed in the limo.  The comedy is actually pretty good here and both Jeff and I are cracking up.  I think if you went to Petsmart and went up to the aquarium containing the gerbils and started whacking on the glass, you would see the same effect.

Meanwhile, back at the house, some chick Jordan is in a bathroom giving a twerking tutorial.  Go for it, girl.  I don’t remember her from last week but she is captioned as a student, 24.  She’s also the resident drunk it appears.

Whoops, her first attempt results in her falling over drunk:

Let’s try again…

Ahh, better! Let’s all politely applaud for her like we’re at a football game and the injured person got up.

Back to the group date, blah blah blah they do their paintball fight and then move on to the cocktail hour component of the night.  Ashley S, AKA Crazy Eyes II who against all odds made it past the first night, is truly an unhinged individual.  I know she’s supposed to be the one we laugh at and say is LOL SO CRAZY, but I feel weird about snarking on her because she is a legitimately mentally ill individual.

The rest of this cocktail hour is painful to watch.  I want to fast forward the DVR badly.  In the interests of maintaining the integrity of this recap, I press on.  #ethics.  Pay me in Target gift cards, ALL OF YOU.

Act 5: The Rose Ceremony Draws Nigh

OK, we’re now up to the cocktail hour preceding the rose ceremony.  I always like this part of the episode.  Let’s see, what nuggets do we garner this time.  Ashley I, eHow contributor, reveals to a small group of girls that she is a virgin and has never had a boyfriend.  In the next breath she is off with Chris showing him her “Princess Jasmine belly button ring” (her word-for-word description, not a joke) and telling him he can have three wishes if he rubs it.  This seems, how you say, a touch inconsistent with her preceding admission, so who knows.  Fertility Muppet Whitney gives Chris a bottle of whiskey as a gift.  No, really, LITERALLY, this woman could be an understudy for Abby Cadabby.  Jordan, she of the drunk twerking tutorial, has an extremely uncomfortable encounter with Chris.  I’m filled with shame to admit I share her tastes, but I effing love the ivory dress she’s wearing.

Act 6: The Rose Ceremony

The highlight for this ceremony is Jillian, who mistakenly approaches Chris thinking she heard her name, when he actually summoned Juelia.  In Jillian’s defense, every time I see “Juelia” (pronounced same as Julia) on the screen, my brain thinks “Joo-ELL-lia”.  I think 46% of the population must share this misconception so well done, Juelia’s parents.  As if that wasn’t bad enough for Jillian, when she realizes her blunder and tries to turn around, she slips on the carpet and goes down:

I would actually feel bad for her but remember this is the chick from last week who bragged about how great she is at Crossfit, so in that case HAHAHAHAHA!

The third component of her embarrassment, a veritable hat trick, is that she has to go back and straighten the rug.  CLEAN UP YOUR MESS, YOU ANIMAL:

Headed for the Airport Van of Rejection are: Jordan the twerker, Tara the fish enthusiast, and failed second chance Kimberly.

Tara takes it not so well:

“That will haunt me for the rest of my life,” she says.

“Find a hobby or occupation or some kind of purpose for your life and maybe it wouldn’t be so bad,” says this commentator.

See you next week.

The Eyes Have It: The Bachelor Recap, Week 1

Act 1: The Red Carpet

WTF is this? A red carpet “live pre-show” it appears.  Whatever.  The stars of seasons past are arriving, bloated on their own false senses of celebrity, forgetting for a moment that they are W-list TV stars with an average of 1.8 STDs each.  A bunch of unemployed hospitality majors clad in jewel tones and baubles are behind the stanchions emitting squeals.  In particular, the one in the orange scarf could use a good knee-breaking.

Next up is Chris’ introduction montage.  He’s sniffing some crops, shoveling some feed, gazing at some fields.  I think he is a farmer or something.  Is he a farmer? We learn about the big catch, which is that the bachelorette of his choice is headed home to the saddest town ever with a whopping population of 400.  He goes into the local tavern and talks farmer talk with some older dudes; a coffee urn from like 1918 is plugged in next to him.  Chris tells the men the show is “the best way to find love.”  Chris, do you watch this show? I do.  You would clean UP on Farmersonly.com so really you’d be better off with that option. He drives off in a motorcycle.  The license plate reads Rose1.  No actually it doesn’t but it should.  IT SHOULD.

Back to the red carpet.  Still 48 minutes until the limos arrive, a countdown clock tells me.  This is painful.  And yet, glorious.

Act 2: Meet the Floozies

Britt, a waitress.  Wears a lot of make up when she goes for a hike.  Owns Lisa Frank backpack.  Likes hugs.  Journals.

By the grace of DVR I was able to read her innermost thoughts, although the picture is not clear enough to convey them.  Lots of blah blah blah new beginning blah blah it’s finally happening blah blah. Her last line was simply: “I have no idea”.  Such a fitting thought to end on that I could not have dreamed it more perfectly myself.

Jillian, a news producer with terrible form in her back handsprings.  Oh baby here we go, WORKPLACE FOOTAGE.  She spews some industry jargon– “Hey Dave I need that D-roll for oh-eight-hundred! Where are we on that Q5! Stat!” Oh God she’s into Crossfit.  I wish heartbreak on her.

Amanda, ballet teacher with the eyes of a meth-addicted jackal, henceforth Crazy Eyes I.

Whitney, fertility nurse with the voice of a Muppet.  Actual quote: “I have no idea why I’m not meeting the right guys in Chicago.  It’s just, you know, sometimes these crazy boys just do not want to settle down.”  Right Whitney, the problem is with all four million men in Chicago and not the one you.  This woman totally has a deep freeze full of sperm samples she stole from work.  You know she’s named them and throws birthday parties for them and picks out one special tube to sleep next to every night.

Mackenzie, the obligatory single mom.  Her son is named– well I’m really hoping it’s Cael– but it’s pronounced KALE.  He’s actually adorable and I don’t hate her that much.  What’s a little unsettling though is he is like 13-months-old so he was what, like 6-months-old back when she was cast? OK.

Alissa, a flight attendant, fulfilling another obligatory role– the fetish profession.  She’s set up by the producers to recite some of the worst schtick in Bachelor schtick history.  Goes up the row of the plane handing out roses.  LOOK AT THIS GUY’S SIDE EYE. HE FEELS MY PAIN.

Kelsey, a widow with a heartbreaking story, rendering her unsnarkable.  Actually she seems cool so I wouldn’t have a lot to snark on anyway.

Act 3: Floozies on Wheels

And with the limos’ arrivals comes by far the most painful part of every first episode.  I felt these arrivals were pretty uneventful.  They all pause in the doorway of the limo, walk over saying “Hiiiiiiiiiii”, then try to spend 30 seconds being cute and seductive but end up being not cute and creepy.  And awkward.  And nervous.  And just… I don’t know it’s generally very uncomfortable to watch.

Britt starts things off strong by crying, panting, and failing to release the hug.  We meet the requisite hair stylist, make up artist, professional sports cheerleader, dance instructor, and bartender.  Reegan is a cadaver tissue specialist who makes me seethe with rage by choosing for her gimmick to bring a biohazard cooler with a fake heart organ– this is VERY professional and VERY respectful of the gravity and solemnity of the organ donation process.  Tara is a “sport fishing enthusiast” right OK terrific.  Ashley S., hair stylist, has something not right about her– unbalanced meds? Untreated concussion? A brain full of pumpkin pulp? I don’t know but she is henceforth Crazy Eyes II.

The obligatory big twist for this season premiere is that they cast five extra chicks so the competition is steeper by five more people.  No joke, when the last five show up in the OMG SURPRISE EXTRA LIMO, the theme music from Intervention is playing.  No seriously go listen. The chicks inside are very worked up about this and lurk in the windows looking not creepy whatsoever:

Not much talent in the last five.  Carly, a cruise ship singer? AWFUL.  This part is over.  Thank you God/Chris Harrison.

Act 4: Floozies and the Art of Conversation 

Actual statements from the floozie brigade:

“Wait what’s alfalfa? Is it organic?”

“I’m a [bleeping] train wreck.” Valid statement.

From an assembled group: “It’s red like a life jacket… I didn’t know life jackets were red… No aren’t they orange?… No they’re red.” For this stupidity, may you all be caught unexpectedly in a squall with none on board. It’s humankind’s only hope. Good bye.

Katelyn, dance instructor, who earlier in the night told a dirty joke about a walrus, gives a dance lesson.  Snooze.  This exact scene has played out in every first episode in the show’s history.  Crazy Eyes II is telling elaborate allegories about onions, accosting pomegranate trees, and wandering off-camera during her interviews.  One girl tells Chris a story about how she tried to go somewhere, got overwhelmed trying to park, and went home and cried.  YOU’RE SO ATTRACTIVE AS A MATE RIGHT NOW.  The girls are at each other’s throats trying to “steal him away for a minute” and I’m reminded of those National Geographic Yellowstone documentaries where billy goats get into fights.

Actual statements from our bachelor Chris:

“I wish I was a polygamist right now.”

“A lot of these women have the qualities I’m looking for in a future wife.” WTF QUALITIES ARE THOSE? Bad social skills, questionable employment, substance abuse issues, prone to nervous breakdowns when parking a car, strong ability to tell uncomfortable jokes about marine mammals?

Chris enters the common room and summons the girls for the rose ceremony.  They swarm him like a pack of starved koi going after a Cheerios fragment.

Act 5: Flora for the Floozies 

The producers have decided the big intrigue of the rose ceremony is going to be Tara, the sports fishing enthusiast, who is filling the role of Obligatory Night 1 Drunkard.  They have, to my delight, perched her on the top riser and they keep cutting to her feet which keep buckling and stumbling.  Imagine a popcorn eating GIF here.  That’s me.  The music is building up to something and I am just hoping it’s going to be her nosediving off the riser or her puking on the girls below her.  I am giddy with anticipation.

Chris pauses the ceremony dramatically and retreats to the Picture Frame Room with Chris Harrison.  He indicates he planned to give Fish Enthusiast Tara a rose, but now seeing her drunken conduct, he’s reconsidering.  Also, she enthuses fish for a living.  He rationalizes: “It’s a long night.  It’s tough.”  No Chris it shouldn’t be that tough to meet the basic standards required of a functional adult– i.e. ability to hold oneself upright in an ambulatory or standing position– for like the 5 hours it takes to film this circus.

Tara gets a rose.  So does Carly the cruise singer and Kaitlyn of walrus joke infamy.  I lose any expectations I had for Chris’ good judgment.

A bunch of rejected chicks get interviewed on their way out.  Lots of tears.  Lots of miscarriages of justice.

See you next week.

The Holiday Letter You Won’t Be Getting

This is satire. Don’t be offended.  It’s healthy to laugh at yourself. 

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Hello, friends and family!

We hope this note finds you well and wrapping up a year that was just as amazing as ours was.  Here’s a look at what our family’s been up to in 2014!

First off, as you can see from the card, we finally splurged on a professional family photo shoot. Believe it or not, the kids were better behaved than Doug was! He was such an embarrassment with all his questions.  What are we doing in the woods? Why did you make me wear these ridiculous suspenders? Why are you making me drag along this pumpkin and random piece of furniture? How much is this costing us? You didn’t go into the Fidelity account for this did you? He figured out later that I did so that was a bit of a pickle to work through.  But I’ll tell you what I told him: professional photos in the woods let people know that you’re better than them. And can you really put a price on that? No you cannot.

Otherwise, Doug is doing great! He is still loving his job as a senior systems engineer at Lockheed Martin.  This year they have added a new consultant to his team and Doug has really been thriving acting as her mentor.  Some weeks are stressful for him, and by Sunday night he is just on edge as he gears up for another Monday. It’s like I sneeze the wrong way and next thing I know we’re in another fight! His questions are never-ending.  Do you really need 20GB of data? Is it time to talk about scheduling my vasectomy? Why are we spending $300 a month for a CSA when all you do is take pictures of it and then just take the kids out for Chipotle and frozen yogurt? He spends the rest of the night silently watching football and texting Melissa from work.  Men, right?!

The kids are just amazing.  Wainwright is in second grade, can you believe it? He is doing great at school, making lots of friends, and keeping busy with lots of activities.  This season it’s modeling, improv troupe, and steel drum lessons.  He begs and cries to just play soccer, but as you parents out there know, sometimes eight-year-olds really just need a wise parent to make these decisions for them, you know?  I mean, his modeling agent is just blown away by his raw talent.  The industry is cutthroat right now but we’re thinking a few more years and he might have a serious shot at getting placed with J.Crew or at least Sears.  Sometimes I see him in the back of the Odyssey, nibbling sadly on a Lara Bar, his iPad resting in his lap as he stares wistfully at the soccer fields out the window.

Our little Wellington has just turned two! He is a delight and definitely keeps me busy.  He’s at a great age where I can just sit him down with a Stonyfield pouch and a Kindle and he will watch an episode of Dinosaur Train while I curl my hair, catch up on Twitter, and take a quick picture of my Tory Burch flats.  He also loves getting his photo taken! He used to be such a bear about it.  But now he seems to spot my iPhone pointed at him (I think the Chevron pattern attracts him) and he instinctively stops what he’s doing, gives me a look that can best be described as resigned acceptance, and then goes back to what he was doing.  (That spirit of cooperation will really take him far in life I think.) My Facebook friends just love getting their Wellie fix, what can I say!

And for those who may not have heard, we welcomed our sweet baby GIRL, Witch Hazel, back in September.  She is just our darling, and you should see the way Doug dotes on his little princess.  He’s come a long way, since last year he wanted nothing to do with a third baby! Yep, he was back at it with the questions.  Did I really want to commit to a lifetime of parenting a third child, or did I just want professional birth pictures? Do I know he lays awake at night so paralyzed by the pressure of all of it that he struggles to find breath? He’s always had a flair for the dramatic.  Well, nature decided for us when we received the surprise of a lifetime that we were expecting again! I’ll tell you what I told Doug about Ortho Tri-Cyclen: it’s not perfect.  It’s definitely not perfect when your iPhone runs updates and uninstalls the app that was reminding you to take them.  And there’s a limit to what I can remember on my own– hello, Mom Brain! Oops.

As for me, the kids keep me busy! I’m also proud to say I’ve grown an impressive Instagram following this year and I’m using my platform for an important cause: raising awareness about the epidemic of Instagram users who’ve had their accounts disabled for posting nude photos of their beautiful, innocent children.  Big Instagram will tell you it’s to “prevent the perpetuation of child pornography” but we know what it really is: crushing our civil rights and stifling our artistic expression. It’s truly the Apartheid of our time.  Follow me on Facebook to join the fight.

This spring we have an amazing family vacation planned to Turks and Caicos.  Doug originally vetoed that idea too, but I say who doesn’t have $15,000 in credit card debt any more? Live a little! You only live once!

Anyhoo, that’s us in a nutshell! We wish you all the happiness that we’ve had this year.  Best wishes for an amazing 2015!

Grocery Store Adventures and Other Miscellaneous Blabbing

Firstly: an update on the great mantis/butterfly war.  I had way too much fun watching the poll results develop.  I think I want to incorporate one of those in everything I write from now on.  It’s a fun way for all of us to be little interactive internet friends without having to out yourself as a commenter if you don’t want.  Here at Bend it Like Becker, we are ALL ABOUT stalker-friendly options.

Anyway, my insects.  Apparently others saw this as a true dilemma too, because the vote was nearly split down the middle, with Team Butterfly ultimately eeking out a victory. The thing is, my dilemma managed to resolve itself on its own, as nature has a way of doing for better or worse.  The butterflies moved along.  My mantis hung out for about another week and then disappeared as well.  I read a little bit about the mantis and found out they don’t live through the winter anyway, so even before he moved along I decided I would let him live out the rest of his life cycle on his own terms.  I actually grew to be fond of the little buddy.  Maybe I’ll have a new crop of mantislets in the spring.

Ok, moving the blabbing along here.  I’ve just been coming off a week-long sickness.  It was terrible.  Look, a mom whines about illness as if she is the first human to be affected by the common cold! Yep, that’s me right now, DEAL WITH IT.  A week ago I got slammed with a nasty virus, then got a little better, then got worse again, then lost my voice for four days, then thought my sinuses might actually explode out of my face like the Alien movie.  Finally I went to the urgent care place (on Halloween) and begged a PA dressed as Minnie Mouse for drugs.

I LOVE YOU ZPAK.

I had to go to the pharmacy to get it.  You know it’s bad when I show my face at the WESTERN MEDICINE pharmacy and admit that I can’t solve my medical problems with JÀŠÖÑ products.  (Actually I hate Jason products.  Don’t buy from that man.  Jason will sell you worthless deodorant and then laugh at you when you walk around smelling like a one-woman petting zoo.)

So I’m standing there at the grocery store pharmacy waiting for 20 minutes like a chump while they get me my ZPak. I was bored so I started reading the books they have in that little swivel tower at the grocery store pharmacy.  I decided when I retire I just want to read grocery store pharmacy books.  They are gems.

The page I randomly flicked to detailed the following story.  A man was suffering from Alzheimers.  His wife gave him a few tablespoons of coconut oil.  Later that day, he made a full recovery.  PEOPLE NO JOKE, IT SAID THAT.  It also said medium-chain fatty acids kill the HIV virus.

Elsewhere in the grocery store they were doling out free samples of this product:

I love grocery store free samples.  It’s one of life’s great simple pleasures, isn’t it? For some reason I didn’t think this would actually be kale.  Kale is one of those trendy food buzzwords right now.  Like quinoa.  Food manufacturers know they just have to start with the smallest amount of “kale extract”, load the rest of the product up with rice flour, and sell it to you for $4.99.  They know people will say, “hey that’s not so bad!” and it isn’t, because it’s 1% kale and 99% delicious filler carbohydrate.  Mmmmmmmm.

So fancy my surprise when I bit into what I assumed would be a scrumptious white chocolate peppermint snack, only to cough and sputter and bellow “EWW THIS TASTES LIKE KALE!”.  Except remember I had no voice, so the bellow was more of a violent squeak.  I was actually gagging and had to cup my hand over my mouth to force myself to swallow it.  This was truly one of the foulest things I’d ever ingested.  Shocked and appalled, I asked to the poor 19-year-old girl staffing the operation, “Did you try this?!”.  No was her reply, with an expression and head shake that suggested, and who would?! 

Today’s poll…

Welcome to the Ethical Dilemma Currently Underway in My Flowerbed

The monarchs are here! Or at least here in PA they all seem to have hatched and I am noticing them everywhere.  They are especially fond of my residence, I assume because my love for invertebrates is well-known in butterfly social circles.  Possibly because I lovingly maintain a butterfly bush for them in my flowerbed.  They go crazy for it.  Look at these beauties…

OK, here’s where this lovely little story takes a turn for the grim and horrific.  If you have trouble dealing with the brutal realities of nature and carnivores, go ahead and see yourself out now.  Things are about to get RILL.

The other day I noticed what I thought was a butterfly stuck in some of the leaves.  His wing was kinked and it looked like he was struggling to get free.  Aww, poor dear, let me go over there and untangle those branches so he can get out.  Doo doo doo, here I go to move that pesky branch, you’ll be on your way in just a second little fella, doo doo dooooooOOOOOOOHHH MY GOD! 

The butterfly.  Was being eaten.  Alive.  By a praying mantis.

“WAAAHHHH!!!!!” (actual recreation of the sound I made)

I took a picture only because my inner nature enthusiast overpowered my inner 8-year-old-girl and I realized this was a rare, once-in-a-blue-moon thing to witness.  It is kind of cool in a very freaky kind of way.  You can see the picture here if you want.

Frogson and I ran inside where unfortunately the show was very visible from our front window.  Later I went back out and all that was left of the butterfly was a little piece of wing on the ground.  The praying mantis was still there.  If the mantis and I were starring in some kind of 1940s detective drama, you would have seen me point my finger at him and bellow MUURRRDERRER!!!  Instead the little effer is just staring at me all smug-like, looking like he just gorged himself at a brunch buffet.  DON’T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT, MANTIS, I KNOW WHAT YOU DID.  And he’s just like, what? What’d I do? GLOVE DOESN’T FIT.

This is where my brain started going crazy.  At first I was on Team Butterfly. This can’t happen again.  Not up in here.  I’m not letting him hang out there 24/7 mauling butterflies right in my window.  A child lives here.  If I’m going to have a bush luring butterflies onto my property, I can’t knowingly have a predator also living in it.  WHAT KIND OF SICK PERSON DOES THAT.  

Then I defected to Team Mantis.  Carnivores have to eat too. He’s a living creature just like the butterfly.  He has as much right to be in that bush as they do. And you just had turkey sausage for breakfast, you deplorable hypocrite. SHUT UP IT WAS APPLEGATE FARMS.  Still a turkey, hypocrite.  SHUT UP.  YOU SHUT UP!

I’ve been leaning Team Mantis ever since.  I would obviously never consider doing him any harm, but I thought a humane solution for all parties might be to clip his branch off and just relocate him to the woods.  Surely he wouldn’t lack food there, and the butterfly trap would be broken. It seems like a win-win, but I don’t know, something just feels wrong about meddling in the affairs of nature.

Here’s where I’m asking your help.  I’ve always wanted to use the polling feature on WordPress.  I’m busting it out.  TELL ME WHAT TO DO.  I am seriously wracked with indecision over this.