This is a loser recap because non-Bachelorette life commitments have kept me busy yesterday and today. Here are a few drive-by observations on the dudes.
Alex: So tiny and adorable. Seriously. He’s like this squat little eggplant of a man. He is like a little Tamagotchi or Polly Pocket. I want to eat him for a snack. Have you ever fallen down some idiotic Mashable rabbit hole and ended up reading one of those “15 Disney Princes In Real Life” pieces? You have? That’s cool. I haven’t. I definitely have not used minutes from my precious life in that pursuit. But if I had I might say that Alex could be one of those.
Wells: Shockingly, Wells the 130-pound Californian DJ doesn’t do well with physically strenuous activity. He gets picked to go on the group date where they do fireman relays. Asthma attacks ensue. (Bachelor Axiom 1: Feign medical distress if you need to steer the Bachelorette’s attention back to you.) You know Wells would have trounced the competition if the challenge was something like Instagramming food truck pictures or Tweeting about bad customer service at Banana Republic. Guilty confession: does anyone else like his name? I also loved Ames from Ashley’s season, which no joke I had on Frogson’s list. *Monkey with hands over eyes emoji*
Grant: This is the fireman with the chin that could chisel an ice swan. He wins the fireman relay challenge, as I suppose he should. I would have enjoyed seeing him lose it. Jojo sits in the cabana with him and asks why he was called to professional firefighting. “When I go home at the end of the day, in some way shape or form I, like, made a difference.” I laugh because Frogson has a book about being a firefighter; the last page reads “Now my day is done, I’m proud of what I’ve done, I love being a firefighter, it’s so much fun.” So Grant’s verbal skills are basically at a preschool level. I think I lose 5,034 brain cells every Monday night.
Luke: Guys, I have a mutual friend with Luke. This is insane. I will beg her to do an anonymous interview if he sticks around. I actually enjoy Luke. He’s like a bad boy but a sweet bad boy.
Derek: If Alex is a real life version of a Disney Prince then Derek is a real life version of Glenn Quagmire. Otherwise, Derek is the boringest dude ever. Probably would make great partner material. (Bachelor Axiom 2: Give an immediate boot to anyone you suspect might actually be a nice human to date.) This was the week’s one-on-one date. They go for dinner and he is talking about a “past relationship” and keeps saying “I haven’t talked to anyone about this.” I’m excitedly chewing my proverbial popcorn and waiting for some intrigue about this relationship– normally this is where they fade in music from the the Tender Moment Bachelor Piano© and Derek would say he was divorced at 19, or his girlfriend ran off with his brother, or some other piece of depraved hilarity. But that’s apparently the extent of his story. He had a girlfriend. OK.
Chad: Luke is a sweet bad boy but Chad is like a true evil bad boy. (Bachelor Axiom 3: Being a terrible, terrible human guarantees you will stick around the show for a while.) Jojo is a house flipper and Chad is a “luxury real estate agent” so you know this is a brilliant match of seedy professionals. Unfortunately for Jojo, Chad is also a luxury real estate agent with an anger problem and a penchant for massive meat consumption. When Alex asks, “Do you think I’m afraid of you?” Chad replies “I think you are. I think you should be.”, a line he delivers with a toothpick from a Swedish meatball sticking out of his mouth. I LOL.