Bachelor Recaps · Uncategorized

Fins to the Left, Fins to the Right: The Bachelor Recap, Week 1

So, our Bachelor is Nick. He is basically a Bachelor/Bachelorette/Bachelor in Paradise lifer. He’s wretched. I’m supremely disappointed we’re stuck with him AGAIN. I am only excited at the possibility we will finally marry off this national embarrassment.

First off, this season subjected us on Sunday night to a one hour “Meet Nick” episode. ABC puts Nick out on the street for spontaneous interviews with fans/passers by.  One girl summed it up best: “My family always hated you and my friends always hated you.”  Wise folks.

Other things we find out about Nick during this introductory segment:

  • His last name is Viall as in vile. Fitting! Can’t make this crap up.
  • He thinks being in love is “literally the greatest feeling you can feel.”  I think going forward we will keep a tally of the literallys.  A Literallyometer.
  • His hair looks like a big puffy funnel cake.

Other questions include– will the fourth time be the charm? Will he be the first Bachelor in history to be rejected at the altar? Could this be the most dramatic season yet? I am mostly just wondering how he’s been paying his bills all these years while he’s been a chronic reality show contestant.

Let’s meet some floozies!

Rachel, 31, is an attorney who also– GUYS WAIT FOR THIS– has a fun side and likes to dance and sing while she vacuums. OMG she is so quirky and spontaneous I must immediately marry her due to how quirky and spontaneous she is.  Corinne is a 24-year-old with a nanny who brings her bowls of cucumber. (“If you could have Raquel come bring me my snack? My cucumber? That’d be great.” –LITERAL QUOTE) She works for her family’s business. She describes herself as a “really serious businesswoman” except if you watch her right hand I don’t think she can type. Hmm. Interesting claim.  Alexis is “like, obsessed with dolphins” whose job is fittingly described as aspiring dolphin trainer. Lauren is a “law school graduate” so obviously we can infer the job search process is going really well for her.  Christen is a virgin and videographer.  I spend a few seconds trying to come up with who she reminds me of until I realized it was, hilariously, the virgin redhead from Wedding Crashers.

Here come the flooziemobiles!

Lacey arrives on a camel, declaring “I hear you like a good hump.  So do I.”  Can someone help me understand why these women are so confused as to why they haven’t “found love” yet? Lacey, I have no idea why no one wants to mate with you.  NO IDEA.  Alexis the aspiring dolphin trainer arrives in a shark costume, which she strongly contends is a dolphin costume, forcing herself to defend this controversy all night.


Nick remarks, “She’s a shark. She thinks it’s a dolphin. That’s a concern.”  LOL.  Maybe I don’t hate him.

Rachel the OMG SO QUIRKY attorney gets the first impression rose.  When it’s time for the full rose distribution process, Nick says there “isn’t a single girl here who doesn’t deserve love”.  I can name about 6 of them but Nick is apparently a nicer person than me.  He does what he can and shoves the rest down the great Bachelor garbage disposal.  Moments are taken, goodbyes are said.  See you next week.

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