Welcome back, sports fans! Take my hand and join me for another week of celebrating the depraved depths of the reality TV cesspool.
Act 1: Group Date
Several lucky floozies are off for a group date. They’ll all be donning bridal attire and staging fake wedding pictures.
The girls arrive, all wearing denim shorts and an average of .78 of a shirt each.
Nick is wearing jeggings and a short sleeve, button down, silk/poly blend fitted shirt:
I think I had something like this from The Limited when I was in 9th grade. I thought I was HOT STUFF. (I was not.) I was sure it would win me the affection of other 9th graders of the opposite gender. (It did not.)
Franco (pronounced not Frank-o but Fraaaahhhhn-ko) is a photographer who will be taking the fake wedding photos of the group and judging who has the most chemistry. He is wearing some kind of tropical-style romper. Lotta leg there, Frank.
CORINNE. Omg. Has most certainly set herself apart as the villainous super slut of the early season. I’m having Olivia flashbacks except at least Olivia had a job and didn’t employ people to shuttle her cucumber slices. It’s like Corinne was created from some kind of captive breeding program from villains of season past. Except there was some kind of horrible Jurassic Park test tube screw up and now we’ve created a monstrous chromosomal mutant super villain. Corinne becomes the talk of the group date when she takes her top off during her photo session with Nick. GROSS.
“Dad would be proud. Even though I was naked.” –Corinne
I weep for humankind.
As if it couldn’t get worse, we’re also treated to a particularly cringeworthy “Adam and Eve wedding” as part of the fake wedding lineup:
Seriously could have done without all the man thigh tonight.
BLEURGH. I CANNOT BEHOLD THESE IMAGES ANY LONGER. I mean Angry Old Testament God sent bears to maul children when they made fun of a prophet, and yet these two leaf-clad bozo dimwits are just allowed to freely walk the earth? There is no justice. I know that chick is Brittney, but I missed the tagline with her age and occupation. Let’s just take a shot at the dark and go with 24, Esthetician or possibly 26, Sales Representative or maybe 22, NBA Dancer. Don’t these people want to have jobs when their 8 minutes of TV fame are up? And they’ve spent the $200 they earned on five sponsored Tweets for Shakeology? I have to think crap like this renders you unemployable in many respectable industries.
Act 2: Danielle’s Date
Danielle is actually very sweet and soft-spoken and not obnoxious. Meaning this was a painfully boring 20 minutes. And she’ll probably be toast after 3 more weeks, inexplicably passed up for the Corinnes of the world. As Trump would say… sad! Make Danielle Great Again. She actually has a tragic story from her past that Nick handles with a weirdly unexpected amount of grace.
The second group date was pretty boring too. A boringer group of girls visit Los Angeles’ Museum of Broken Relationships. I had to Google this, but it’s a real thing. Entry is $18. That is insane. YOU COULD GO TO CHICK-FIL-A TWICE FOR $18.
Only thing you need to know about this segment is that Liz the doula is headed home, the result of one of the most spectacular flameouts I’ve ever seen on this show. It’s art to watch. It went a little like this: