Bachelor Recaps · Uncategorized

Abraham Lincoln Took Naps: The Bachelor Recap

This show is painful.  I am literally Mother Teresa for enduring these two hours in the service of recap hilarity.  #Hero #Literally

Tonight we resume our journey at a Bachelor pool party.  Apparently Corinne assaulted Nick in an inflatable bounce house?  The girls fly into a collective rage.  Vanessa confronts Nick and asks, “Are you looking for a wife or looking for someone to [beep] around with?”.  Vanessa, did you watch Nick’s previous appearances on this franchise? Then you would know the answer to this question.  Nick WAS the Corinne of The Bachelorette.

Two girls are headed home.  I don’t even remember who they are.  Blubbery Rejectee #1:


Blubbery Rejectee #2:


Next, the girls head to Nick’s hometown of Milwaukee for the week’s programming lineup.  Specifically they are in a suburb called Waukesha (pronounced Wah-Ke$ha).  Danielle L. is up for the first date.  They go to a bakery which has prepared “Nickerdoodle” cookies to celebrate the homecoming of local celebrity Nick.  Barf.

As they leave the bakery and walk down the street, Nick sees an ex-girlfriend through the window of a cafe or something.  I am beside myself with confusion trying to figure out if this was truly a coincidental run-in (which could happen in a small town)  or a set-up by producers (which is consistent with the fact that the show’s “surprise” content is generally staged).  Nick looks truly freaked out and awkward which makes me think genuine, but then her outfit is suspiciously cute and accessorized which makes me think staged.  Everyone knows the universe’s rule that if you unexpectedly run into a dude you used to know romantically, it’s when you’re at Starbucks with unbrushed teeth wearing a Champion hoodie and PJ bottoms with Scottie Dogs on them.

Afterwards, they sit together in a field and, I don’t know, bond or whatever.  Which basically amounts to them just saying “literally” back and forth to each other for a while.  Later they go to a concert for whatever no-name artist ABC is trying to pimp this week.  Nick is wearing some kind of maroon pleather jacket.  Danielle is bestowed a rose.

Next up is a group date to a farm.  I tune out most of it.  The girls LOL milk a cow and LOL shovel some manure.  LOL it’s funny because they’re all privileged 24-year-olds who can afford to take multiple months off work to appear on a reality show, so there is humor in watching them do farm work because farm work is for LOL other people.  Like I don’t know, farm people? Literally? God whatever just give me my soy macchiatto and stop making me have deep thoughts about where it came from.  (These girls are why Trump won.)

Afterwards the animosity between Corinne and the other girls is growing.  She claims to the camera “I’m smarter than I look.”  No you’re not.  Then there is some kind of metaphor about buttered corn on the cob? I don’t follow it.  The girls are on her case about sleeping through the rose ceremony and she impressively defends herself– “Michael Jordan took naps! Abraham Lincoln took naps!”.  I think I love her.  I am going to cry when she’s gone.

Rose goes to Christina the Russian.  In Soviet Russia, rose accepts you!

Nick takes Raven on the next date.  RAVEN NEEDS TO WIN.  Short of that, she needs to be The Bachelorette.  Raven recounts an amazing story about walking in on her boyfriend cheating on her.  It began: Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary… ERR wait sorry wrong story.  It began: Once upon a midnight dreary, she got a call from a friend tipping her off that her boyfriend was spotted at the bar with another chick.  (AHH, yes, that’s more fitting for this show).  Raven proceeds to go home, kick down a locked bedroom door, find them mid-coitus, and pick up the chick’s high heel and start beating her boyfriend with it.  That this story is retold on national television only enhances its glory.  RAVEN FOR PRESIDENT.  One thousand applause emojis.

The episode closes with a growing battle between Taylor and Corinne.  Taylor basically tells Corinne she has the emotional maturity of an 11-year-old (not entirely inaccurate) and Corinne loses it.  “I run a multi-million dollar company, don’t treat me like an idiot.”  To fact check this statement– Corinne works for her father’s industrial flooring company in a capacity that’s not really been explored with any specifics on the show.  So we can take “run” to mean that she:

  • Prints FedEx labels
  • Cleans that pesky layer of mineral buildup that accumulates on the Keurig pump
  • Occasionally responds to customer service emails, except Corinne only thinks she’s responding to customer service emails, really they’re written by her dad in the next room.  He has gone to elaborate lengths to engineer a simulated email client interface for this purpose.  Raquel knows the secret but keeps it from Corinne, an ethical plight that constantly burns at her soul.  At night, after she’s given Corinne a bath, applied her eczema ointment, and read her Llama Llama Red Pajama, Raquel listens to Madonna’s “Live to Tell” and quietly weeps.

The argument ends with Corinne saying she “literally can’t even” and Taylor saying she is going to “literally punch her in the face”.  The episode fades to a To Be Continued.  The Literallyometer reaches maximum capacity and explodes into a steaming pile of debris.

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