Bachelor Recaps · Uncategorized

Like Open Your Eyeballs: The Bachelor Recap

We’re back from a To Be Continued cliff hanger.  Taylor and her side boob are doing a swamp walk of shame to get a couple more words in with Nick.  This is becoming a favorite fake plot twist in recent seasons.  You know the producers are offering these poor rejected people bonuses or something to embarrass themselves in this fashion.

Unfortunately not much happens.  Taylor tells Nick to “like open your eyeballs” to the wretchedness of Corinne.  Taylor leaves.  She is much sads.  I do not blame her.  Losing to Corinne would be a serious blow to anyone’s self worth.

They finally get around to the rose ceremony we were deprived of last week.  Going home are Josephine the weirdo, Alexis the unemployed dolphin trainer, and Jaimi the reformed lesbian.  She sobs and doesn’t know why Nick sent her home but I suspect it could have something to do with that unfortunate purple lipstick.

Cruise Director Nick informs the group their next destination is– St. Thomas! Pretty sweet.  One of the chicks dutifully reads from the producers’ script and tells the camera it’s the “perfect place to fall in love.”  Some year I just want them to let through a maverick contestant who says “Meh.  I could think of more advantageous locations at which to fall in love.”

Jasmine is worked up about not having enough “time” or “validation” or whatever buzzword they are continuously shedding tears over.  But she says she is “trying to be strong”.  LOL.  I love that these people think they are battling actual life adversity.  I hope those fighting cancer can draw inspiration through her strength and heroism.

Kristina the Soviet goes on a one-on-one date.  OMFG.  Her story about being kicked out of the house when she was FIVE OR SIX and living in a Russian orphanage? Good grief.  I hereby suspend Kristina snark.  She will hereby be Kristina, formerly known as Kristina the Soviet.

Next up is a beach group date.  They sail, they play volleyball.  Suddenly they’re all crying and VERY ANGRY.  This might have something to do with the tequila shots they all did together.  Seriously like 10 simultaneous melt downs about boo hoo boo hoo he likes other girls more than me omigod how will I ever go on boo hoo.  Gawd.  Are these people aware they’re on a permanent free vacation for the duration of this show? This is an odd quantity of tears for people drinking and playing beach volleyball in the middle of a business day while on a free Caribbean vacation.

Later, the hysteria continues at the cocktail portion of the evening.  Jasmine especially seems to be working herself into a frenzy.  OH BABY, FIRE UP THOSE FAIL GIFS!  “I like him so much but I just want to like choke him right now,” she says, which is funny until she does in fact pretend to choke him? This results in one of the most fantastically awkward Bachelor scenes ever.  Not surprisingly, Nick sends her home on the spot.  I peruse a scholarly article entitled The 32 Funniest Fail GIFs Ever to make the perfect selection in Jasmime’s honor:


The fun continues with a two-on-one date starring Danielle L. and Whitney (I have no actual idea who Whitney is).  Danielle emerges victorious.  They depart in a helicopter while Whitney is left in the Cabana of Rejection and Despair:


Nick is inexplicably shirtless in the helicopter?


Danielle L. is awarded dinner with Nick.  This girl is meh at best.  She reminds me of Caila from whoever’s season that was.  Cute, good hair, but just kind of always very fake and “on”.  I assumed she would be shuffled through with a rose but SHE GETS TOSSED! High drama! YASS!

Danielle cries.  Nick cries.  Nick goes back to the girls’ suite and basically has a fit of hysteria and he doesn’t know if he can “keep doing this.”  We find out we need to wait ANOTHER WEEK for Corinne’s seduction scene.  Cruel and unusual.

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