Bachelor Recaps · Uncategorized

Platinum Futures Take a Dip: The Bachelor Recap

When we last left off, Nick ambushed the girls with a tearful speech questioning if this was all working for him.  He meets Chris Harrison for some beachfront girl talk.  Chris has some kind of unfortunate facial sunburn situation going on.

Question: does Nick own any shorts or swim trunks that are cut at or below his knee? I would even let him keep his bright floral patterns if I could just see a little less thigh flesh.  Shiver.

From there it’s 15-30 minutes of pretty boring stuff.  6 chicks left so they’ve got to make a few cuts before hometown date time next week.  I tell Jeff it’s gotta be Corinne this week.  “Yea yea it’s been fun and she’s had a good run but at some point that has to end,” I say, to which he replies “That’s what everyone said about Trump.”  Oof.  True.

They are in Bimini? Part of the Bahamas? Pronounced BIM-uhh-nee which drives me crazy because my brain accidentally reads it as bi-MEEN-ee all night.  Sorry this is my thrilling commentary tonight.

First Vanessa goes on a boat date.  She indicates that she’s never been on a boat? WTF.  Weird landlocked Canadians.  She tells Nick “I’m falling in love with you” and Nick responds with “I really really like you a lot.”  Heh.

A group date.  Uneventful.  Corinne has a soul of pure evil.  This we knew.

Date with Danielle, the baby nurse.  It’s going pretty boringly/awkwardly so we’re starting to worry about her. They toast and Danielle says “Thanks for having me” like she’s on a phone interview or something.  She’s goners.  Gets the Bimini boot.  Takes it like a champ, until she gets into the cars and the flood of tears commences.

CORINNE’S SEDUCTION SCENE! YASSS! For the hype it’s gotten, it doesn’t get very far.  Nick, a true gentlemanish, politely turns her down.  The awkwardness level is extreme.  I hope Corinne’s parents (and Raquel) are proud.  “I can’t help if embarrassing things happen to me,” she says.  Well Corinne you could start by not literally KNOCKING ON THE DOOR and asking to be invited into an awkward situation that you VOLUNTARILY SOUGHT OUT.  I’d say there was some room for you to have avoided this.

Date with Rachel next.  They go to some bar and describe it as “a place that’s known for no tourists, only locals.”  Which is a funny claim because behind them is a wall that people have signed and it features inscriptions like “Ryan” and “Camille: Brooklyn, NY.”  Mmhmm.

Back at the femme lair, Corinne is literally having a panic attack about the possibility of going home.  And guys you know it pains me to use that word because this show is constantly crying wolf when it comes to literally, but in this case I think it is in fact true that she literally is in a bad, obsessive mental place.  I’d maybe feel a little bad for her if her soul wasn’t a giant black void.

But as it turns out, Corinne (they should change her tagline from Business Owner to Two-Time Failed Seductress) is safe– at least until next week.  Going home is Kristina, formerly known as Kristina the Soviet.  NO! COME ON! This is a travesty.

UGH! Having to wait out the inevitable Corinne rejection for so many weeks will just make it all the more spectacular and satisfying when it does gloriously manifest itself.  Until then, suckers!


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