Bachelor Recaps · Uncategorized

Platinum Futures Take a Dip: The Bachelor Recap

When we last left off, Nick ambushed the girls with a tearful speech questioning if this was all working for him.  He meets Chris Harrison for some beachfront girl talk.  Chris has some kind of unfortunate facial sunburn situation going on. Question: does Nick own any shorts or swim trunks that are cut at or… Continue reading Platinum Futures Take a Dip: The Bachelor Recap

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Like Open Your Eyeballs: The Bachelor Recap

We’re back from a To Be Continued cliff hanger.  Taylor and her side boob are doing a swamp walk of shame to get a couple more words in with Nick.  This is becoming a favorite fake plot twist in recent seasons.  You know the producers are offering these poor rejected people bonuses or something to… Continue reading Like Open Your Eyeballs: The Bachelor Recap

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Abraham Lincoln Took Naps: The Bachelor Recap

This show is painful.  I am literally Mother Teresa for enduring these two hours in the service of recap hilarity.  #Hero #Literally Tonight we resume our journey at a Bachelor pool party.  Apparently Corinne assaulted Nick in an inflatable bounce house?  The girls fly into a collective rage.  Vanessa confronts Nick and asks, “Are you… Continue reading Abraham Lincoln Took Naps: The Bachelor Recap

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I Want it That Way, Raquel: The Bachelor Recap

When we last left off, everyone was in crisis over the departure of Liz the promiscuous doula.  Nick decides to “be real” with everyone or whatever, so he pulls everyone aside individually and has twelve different variations of the same conversation.  You could make this part into a spin-off show called Nick’s Confessions: Deep Thoughts… Continue reading I Want it That Way, Raquel: The Bachelor Recap

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Franco’s Left Thigh: The Bachelor Recap, Week 2

Welcome back, sports fans! Take my hand and join me for another week of celebrating the depraved depths of the reality TV cesspool. Act 1: Group Date Several lucky floozies are off for a group date.  They’ll all be donning bridal attire and staging fake wedding pictures. The girls arrive, all wearing denim shorts and an… Continue reading Franco’s Left Thigh: The Bachelor Recap, Week 2

Bachelor Recaps · Uncategorized

Fins to the Left, Fins to the Right: The Bachelor Recap, Week 1

So, our Bachelor is Nick. He is basically a Bachelor/Bachelorette/Bachelor in Paradise lifer. He’s wretched. I’m supremely disappointed we’re stuck with him AGAIN. I am only excited at the possibility we will finally marry off this national embarrassment. First off, this season subjected us on Sunday night to a one hour “Meet Nick” episode. ABC… Continue reading Fins to the Left, Fins to the Right: The Bachelor Recap, Week 1

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The Chad Bear: The Bachelorette Recap, Week 3

Sorry for the delay! Non-Bachelorette life commitments and all.  Just finished up the “two day Bachelorette event” on the DVR and WOO WEE, wild ride! First up this week is Chase, a Medical Sales Rep.  They are off to a hot yoga class.  As a yoga professional, I am preemptively incensed that they will exploit… Continue reading The Chad Bear: The Bachelorette Recap, Week 3

Bachelor Recaps · Uncategorized

Great Balls of Fire: The Bachelorette Recap, Week 2

This is a loser recap because non-Bachelorette life commitments have kept me busy yesterday and today.  Here are a few drive-by observations on the dudes. Alex: So tiny and adorable.  Seriously.  He’s like this squat little eggplant of a man.  He is like a little Tamagotchi or Polly Pocket.  I want to eat him for a… Continue reading Great Balls of Fire: The Bachelorette Recap, Week 2

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The Unicorn Rides Again: The Bachelorette Recap, Week 1

Between January and May lies a sad, arduous march between the end of The Bachelor and the resumption of The Bachelorette.  Tonight, my friends, we awake from our nightmare. Jojo is taking another break from her house flipping career to join us as our esteemed Bachelorette.  She begins with a group counseling session from fellow Bachelorettes… Continue reading The Unicorn Rides Again: The Bachelorette Recap, Week 1