Bachelor Recaps · Uncategorized

Not Hot for Teacher: The Bachelor Recap, Week 2

Welcome back for another week! Where were we? I think last we left off, Ben sucked.  Let’s check if this is still the case.  It is? It is.  This status remains unchanged. We pick back up with some interviews with the ladies.  Lace has sobered up and regrets her  antics from opening night.  Oh man.… Continue reading Not Hot for Teacher: The Bachelor Recap, Week 2

Bachelor Recaps · Uncategorized

Take From Me My Lace: The Bachelor Recap, Week 1

My friends, another season is upon us.  I can’t tell you how much joy washed over me when a few weeks ago I remembered it was almost Bachelor time.  I swear it’s the only thing that gets me through the winter doldrums. My spirits were dampened when I remembered The Bachelor was Ben, who is about as exciting… Continue reading Take From Me My Lace: The Bachelor Recap, Week 1

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Ain’t Too Much Sadder Than the Tears of a Clown: The Bachelor Recap, The Women Tell All

Oooh baby, the day is here.  Time for the Women Tell All special, which is totally the highlight of the season and do not lie to yourself you love it DO NOT LIE TO YOURSELF. Our intrepid host Chris is back to hold our hands through this journey.  I love his adorable lil’ polka dot… Continue reading Ain’t Too Much Sadder Than the Tears of a Clown: The Bachelor Recap, The Women Tell All

Bachelor Recaps · Uncategorized

Monkey, Will You Accept This Rose: The Bachelor Recap, Penultimate Edition

Firstly, sorry that I slacked off and didn’t do a recap last week.  Four hours of Bachelor between Sunday and Monday was just inhumane.  I felt like I had completed an Iron Man of The Bachelor and I was just too emotionally exhausted to revisit all the painful moments again.  I was like collapsed at… Continue reading Monkey, Will You Accept This Rose: The Bachelor Recap, Penultimate Edition

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Two Girls, One Cabana: The Bachelor Recap, Week 6

Act 1: Back on the Floor with Kelsey When we last left off, Kelsey was having some kind of faux-mergency on some floor.  We resume our enjoyment of this.  Some Australian EMT is attending to her.  Like eleven seconds later she’s made a full recovery; she’s sitting up with an oxygen mask and back to stressing… Continue reading Two Girls, One Cabana: The Bachelor Recap, Week 6

Bachelor Recaps · Uncategorized

Alligators, Dead Bodies, Who Knows: The Bachelor Recap, Week 5

Pour yourselves a glass of something strong cause the season is about to EXPLODE, Chris Harrison tells us.  Having just barely emerged on the other end without barfing up my dinner, I can confirm that it did indeed explode.  With about 800,000 joules worth of awkward and painful. This week’s destination is Santa Fe.  “I’ve… Continue reading Alligators, Dead Bodies, Who Knows: The Bachelor Recap, Week 5

Bachelor Recaps · Uncategorized

I Hope That Resonates Within Your Mind Tonight: The Bachelor Recap, Week 4

We resume our collective Journey for Love© back at the mansion, where the girls are relaxing in sweatpants and awaiting Chris Harrison’s weekly update.  Chris makes his entrance and we find out this week’s plot twist is that Bachelor Chris’ three sisters have flown all the way in from AIIIIIIIIIIIWUHH and will be making the… Continue reading I Hope That Resonates Within Your Mind Tonight: The Bachelor Recap, Week 4

Bachelor Recaps · Uncategorized

On the Topic of Jillian’s Buttocks: The Bachelor Recap, Week 3

Oops, 24 hours late this week! News producer Jillian would be quick to point out that the story has probably passed me by.  My only excuse was that I thought this week was pretty much a snoozefest so I didn’t even end up with much in my snark notebook.  And now I have the added… Continue reading On the Topic of Jillian’s Buttocks: The Bachelor Recap, Week 3

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Insert Your Own Farm Pun Here, I’m Already Over It: The Bachelor Recap Week 2

Act 1: Kimberly Redux For those not familiar with the show, here’s how it works when a chick gets kicked off.  Chris Harrison breaks the news that all the roses are done givin’ out, and the rejected chicks should “take a moment and say their goodbyes.”  They give The Bachelor a sad hug, get into… Continue reading Insert Your Own Farm Pun Here, I’m Already Over It: The Bachelor Recap Week 2

Bachelor Recaps · Uncategorized

The Eyes Have It: The Bachelor Recap, Week 1

Act 1: The Red Carpet WTF is this? A red carpet “live pre-show” it appears.  Whatever.  The stars of seasons past are arriving, bloated on their own false senses of celebrity, forgetting for a moment that they are W-list TV stars with an average of 1.8 STDs each.  A bunch of unemployed hospitality majors clad… Continue reading The Eyes Have It: The Bachelor Recap, Week 1